jokes

The Agony

I was talking to someone today about analyzing projects that have gone wrong at work. I said, "I love digging through projects and finding out what happened. It's like a puzzle. But the answer inevitably infuriates me. So I am left with a conundrum: the thing that I love the most also brings me the greatest sadness."

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My heritage, pt. 4

My great uncle Mohammad O'Halloran had a stop in Brussels when he was going from India to Ireland. He managed, in the span of 24.5 minutes, to father a boy named Pieter van der Ahmaad. I must travel to Belgium and reclaim my birthright.

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Donut Boy

Muneer: Can I call the police donut boy, or is that like the N-word now?

Steve: Short answer to both questions: yes.

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BBQ business idea

Muneer: Steve and I have decided to embark upon a new business venture that we just realized has been approved by God. We are going to tailgate Covid vaccine lines and sell tasty ribs, sausages and hot links to the unwashed masses. The name of our business will be a combo of our names: Steer. God gave us both the perfect names to combine into a name for a predatory BBQ business.

Wife: Who’s doing the cooking?

Muneer: We're looking into the exciting world of undocumented labor to procure our pitmaster

Steve: It's nice to finally have a purpose in life. I've coasted aimlessly for so long

Muneer: Me too, brother. Me too.

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Black faced sheep

This sheep, the Scottish blackface, is the only socially acceptable blackface.

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Tofu

Muneer: I knew a dude in college who used to eat tofu submerged in maple syrup for breakfast.
Lisette: I assume that man is in prison today.
Muneer: He cut me out of his life in 2008.
Lisette:: You mean he liberated you from his life in 2008.

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Human impersonator Stephen Miller

Muneer: Noted human impersonator Stephen Miller has Covid now too.
Lisette: Lol saw that
Muneer: Now we just need Wilbur Ross and Scott Pruitt to get it.
Steve: My thoughts are with COVID in this trying time. Guess this means the virus can be transmitted from humans back to bats.

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King Ralph in real life

Muneer: I just want the Supreme Court nomination ceremony to end up being like the opening scene in King Ralph.
Steve: That takes me back.
Muneer: Instead of it all happening at once, it can happen over a few weeks or months.
Muneer: But at the end of the day, a Canadian named Gordie Ashton will be named president.
Muneer: He will bring moose and Tim Hortons along with social programs.
Lisette: Haaa.
Steve: I, for one, welcome our Canadian overlords.
Muneer: Brought up my King Ralph scenario to some pals at work. They pointed out that Gordie Ashton is ineligible to be the president since he's Canadian.
Muneer: I feel like Gordie being the illegitimate son of a rogue American diplomat confers automatic American citizenship upon him.
Lisette: Yeah there’s a little thing called dual citizenship. Tired of these birthers.
Muneer: Exactly!!

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Staying safe

I told my friend that my favorite cologne in college was Drakkar Noir.

She told me she's glad to hear I was using birth control.

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Donkey nannies

Steve: Donkey nannies are pretty cool.

Lisette: I am also too young, small and adorable for journeys. I want a donkey nanny

Muneer: I would place some of those old school saddles on my donkey with the bags on each side. One side would have carrots and the other would have apples. We'd take day-long walks in the countryside and enjoy each other's company.

Lisette: That got a little too romantic at the end

Steve: The other option was overtly sexual. There was no third path.

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Faking the funk at work

Muneer: There's a team at work who wanted to manage part of an application themselves without actually knowing how to do the work. They have to come to me to solve any issues beyond the easiest ones. I said they were like college students with free use of daddy's credit card, playing at being adults.

Lisette: I like that you’re keeping everyone in their place during this difficult time

Muneer: If not me, then who?

Lisette: Absolutely. You’re the only with your hand on the wheel nowadays

Muneer: Plus, I'm sure it makes the white dudes who cooked up this idiotic state of affairs angry that their poor planning is exposed. That's a curry on top of the sundae. I was going to correct that, but I'll just leave it.

Lisette: Hahahaha

Steve: vurp

 

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Sech

I was forced to warn my good pal about this man. The following is an excerpt from that conversation:

Me: This man is the greatest natural predator of Latinas today. He lures them in with a mix of wealth and balladeering.

Lisette: Even us non-Latinas need to know —who is this man??

Me: His name is Sech. Here's some more information about him. Here he is in action. I call him Noriega's Revenge.

Steve: Noriega's Revenge is what I call it when I poop to "Panama" by Van Halen.

Lisette: Oh my god all of these Panamanian rappers are NERDS. You can tell because all of their video vixens sway side to side with no butts.

Me: To be fair, in the video I sent, all the rappers are from different countries. But as they were being hosted by Sech, they had to steel themselves and accept the flat butt situation.

Lisette: Loool

Steve: Diplomacy in a nutshell

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Best Cat Video, Ever.

If I could ever get my cats to do this, we'd have spa days every day.

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Becoming a man

I once saw a teen boy at SportClips with his mom. The stylist who came to get him for his cut was a Russian woman who was showing a lot of cleavage.

The mom said, "We'll wait until the next person is free" and held the boy's arm. The boy shook his arm free, gave mom a look like "Damn bitch! Let me live!" and went with the stylist.

The mom, angry about this turn of events, loudly announced she was going to get ice cream.

I wanted to run over and give the boy some dap, but restrained myself.

Speedometer

My speedometer says "BOOB".

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Halloween 2017

Happy "We're So Rich That Begging For Food Is Seen As A Leisure Activity" Day!

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Well worn wisdom

Heard just now: if you go a town where the factory just shut down, the strip clubs are a lot more liberal about what you can do.

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St. Patty's Day

St. Patrick's Day is 4/20 for alcoholics.
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Xmas 2016

Merry 'All The Threats Of Not Getting Presents Because Santa Only Gives Gifts To Those On The Nice List Have No Teeth, Be As Naughty As You Want' Day.

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The only person who can complain

Back in 1996, I was complaining about some political issue on the KU bus. Some guy says, "You have no right to complain if you don't vote." I looked at him and said, "I have no right to vote since I'm not a citizen, so I'm literally in the only group that can legitimately complain about how things are since I have no say in any of it. However, if your mom or sister is willing to marry me, I'll be sure to vote in 2000."

Ted Cruz's College Days

Ted Cruz is a very odd duck. I don't think I've run across someone so universally disliked, yet so successful at getting into positions of power.

Here's What Happens When You Try and Track Down a Ted Cruz College Rumor: Ted decided to call a woman's mother a whore. The rest of this article is like watching a car wreck in the slowest of motions.

Craig Mazin: This gentleman had the misfortune of being Cruz's roommate in college. He is not a fan.
* Here's an intro to the highlights from Mazin's Twitter feed.
* Here's another post showing the highlights of Mazin's Twitter feed.
* Mazin's Twitter feed is a treasure trove of Cruz related facts. Mazin also engages the right wing trolls who lionize Cruz.

Laura Calaway was Ted Cruz's debate teammate in high school. she beat him once. Ted wasn't pleased.

A psychologist went into detail as to why Ted Cruz has such a punchable face.

Everyone who has come across Ted Cruz comes to hate him with a passion usually reserved for child murderers or serial rapists. Here's another page showing Ted hating quotes.

My heritage, pt. 1

On this day in 1845, my ancestor Muhammad O'Halloran reached Ireland after fleeing a famine in India. He only had a chance to have a couple of potatoes before the Potato Famine hit. My bloodline has never had good luck.

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Thanksgiving 2015

Happy We Killed Indians With Diseased Blankets And So Now It's Time To Feast Day

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Real protection

I'm going to acquire a taxidermied white man to help me avoid unwanted interactions with the police.

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7/4/2015

Happy We Threw Off The Shackles Of Oppression So We Could Have The Freedom To Blow Off Our Hands Day!

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Incongruous

Why did Bruce Jenner pick a name a 19 year old sorority girl would have?

Xmas 2014

Happy Home Invasions Are Fine If You're White And Fat And Only Eat Food Left By The Fireplace Day.

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Office Xmas Parties

Have fun at your “work is forcing us to hang out, so I drink to loosen up, cheat on my wife in the supply closet, have to get a divorce, now my kids are from a broken home” parties.

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SMBC

Watching Nanny 911, or as I like to call it, Saturday Morning Birth Control.

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Taylor Dayne

If I was dating Taylor Dayne, I'd break up with her a few times a year so she would sing "Love Will Lead You Back" into my voicemail.

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