The Vault

Halloween 2017

Happy "We're So Rich That Begging For Food Is Seen As A Leisure Activity" Day!


Well worn wisdom

Heard just now: if you go a town where the factory just shut down, the strip clubs are a lot more liberal about what you can do.


Apt comparison

Phil Jackson is the Sam Brownback of the NBA.


Paul Pierce

When I was in my freshman year at KU, I was playing basketball at the Robinson Center one afternoon. We had the run of the court because of my teammates' scoring prowess and my extremely dirty play and ability to pull down rebounds in traffic.

Then, a group of tall gentlemen walked in. Among them was Paul Pierce, then a sophomore. I was assigned the task of guarding Pierce. I remember setting up in my stance. I looked to the left to check the guy on the wing. When I turned my head back around, Pierce was gone. I looked behind me, and he was laying the ball in about 10 feet away. Pierce is the quickest person I've ever encountered in my life. He blew past me twice more, and then I faked a calf injury to preserve what little of my pride was left.

St. Patty's Day

St. Patrick's Day is 4/20 for alcoholics.

Name Spelling

A guard from the Michigan basketball team is named Muhammad-Ali Abdur-Rahkman. This is akin to an American spelling the surname Jones as Joanz.

NCAA Picks 2017

Alright people, I don't think I should keep you from riches. As I said, if you win, donate at least 25% of your winnings to an organization that will help immigrants or help advocate against the Republican health care plan 1st Round Villanova Wisconsin Virginia Florida SMU Baylor Marquette Duke Gonzaga Vandy Notre Dame West Virginia Maryland FSU St. Mary's Arizona KU Miami Iowa St. Purdue Creighton Oregon Oklahoma State Louisville UNC Arkansas Minnesota Butler Cincy UCLA Wichita State Kentucky Sweet 16 Villanova Virginia Baylor Duke Gonzaga West Virginia FSU Arizona KU Purdue Oregon Louisville UNC Butler UCLA Kentucky Elite 8 Villanova Duke Gonzaga West Virginia KU Louisville UNC Kentucky Final 4 Villanova Gonzaga Louisville UNC Final Game Gonzaga Louisville Winner Louisville Keep in mind that this strategy is optimal for pools of up to 20 entries. Winning in a bigger pool than that is mostly luck.

Custom Handshakes, NBA Edition

Everyone knows I'm a great lover of custom handshakes.

Xmas 2016

Merry 'All The Threats Of Not Getting Presents Because Santa Only Gives Gifts To Those On The Nice List Have No Teeth, Be As Naughty As You Want' Day.


J. Cole


Run For The Border

I got a call on a Thursday afternoon from [Suzie]. It was a curious call because the address on the intake form was a Canadian address. Prepaid Legal only sold plans to people in the US. Suzie had met [Gavin], a Canadian, online. After a whirlwind romance, Suzie and Gavin decided that they live together in Ottawa, where Gavin was living. They packed up all of her things into a U-Haul and then hitched her car to the U-Haul on a trailer.

The couple set out for the border crossing near Buffalo, NY. As Suzie and Gavin reached the border, the Canadian immigration officials asked if them if Suzie was emigrating or coming to Canada for vacation. Suzie replied that she was coming for vacation. Since most vacationers don’t bring 4 rooms worth of furniture and a car on a trailer for a vacation, Suzie was turned away at the border. At this point, Gavin got out of the truck and hitched a ride to Ottawa with another driver.

Suzie was now stuck in Buffalo. So she called her friendly home state PPA firm. Since I was the only one who knew anything about immigration, I got to take the call. This led to the following exchange:

Suzie: I only have enough money to stay in this motel until Tuesday! I got the forms right here. You think this will all be sorted by then?
Me: I highly doubt that you will be able to apply for and secure a residence permit in Canada in three and a half days.
Suzie: What?? I didn’t even think you needed a passport to go up to Canada. [Note: this conversation took place in 2009.]
Me: You can go up to Canada for a visit without requiring a passport or visa, but you cannot emigrate there without a visa.
Suzie: Well what do I do then?
Me: I would suggest asking your fiancee to get you an attorney in Canada to assist you with the process.
Suzie: You mean I don’t get this taken care of for free? Why am I paying you $19.95 per month?
Me: I can advise you on US immigration law, but you need someone who is licensed in Canada. You will need to go through Canada’s procedure for emigrating.
Suzie: I don’t have any money to stay in this motel past Tuesday! I thought this would be done by then!
Me: I am sorry to disappoint you.
Suzie: Where am I supposed to stay??
Me: You could always come back to [my state].
Suzie: I can’t! You have no idea how tough it was to get up here with all my stuff!!
Me: Well, then I suggest you get a residence and a job in Buffalo. This is not going to be a quick process.
Suzie: This is so unfair! Why do I pay you guys $19.95 a month??

2016 Election Thoughts


  • In the event Donald Trump wins, I will be at my home until 4am, after which I will flee to Canada. I hope they have Starbucks near my company's Saskatchewan office.


  • I'm still here, and I'm scared.
  • America has turned its back on me and people like me.

Election Day 2016

All of the personal stuff about the candidates is being used to distract people from the issues.

In the past few elections, I've heard that people want a candidate who they can "have a beer with." I want a candidate who is so competent and above my level that being in their presence would be intimidating. That's how I feel about Obama. He's been one of the more effective presidents we've had, given the GOP's extreme non-cooperation.

The main thing I hear from people supporting Trump is that "he'll shake things up" and "he's not a career politician." Being President is too important a job to give to an unqualified person. From an objective standpoint, no one can argue that Hillary has more experience in the job of governing than Trump. "Shaking things up" is what you do when you get a haircut or go out to dinner. Not when you are choose the new leader of the free world.

Finally, it makes no difference if you don't vote. Get out there by Tuesday. Make your voice heard.

Challenge idiocy

Over the past month, I have been the victim of someone else's shortsighted and inefficient thinking. We should never be afraid to challenge those who are clearly doing something the wrong way, even if it's uncomfortable.


The only person who can complain

Back in 1996, I was complaining about some political issue on the KU bus. Some guy says, "You have no right to complain if you don't vote." I looked at him and said, "I have no right to vote since I'm not a citizen, so I'm literally in the only group that can legitimately complain about how things are since I have no say in any of it. However, if your mom or sister is willing to marry me, I'll be sure to vote in 2000."

Red flags

When a company's retirement materials say "Live to work now so you can work to live later", run far, far away.


Understand but don't excuse

Understanding their issues doesn't mean we have to treat Trump supporters' ideas as legitimate. We have a duty to debunk crackpots' logic.


Sporty Spice

After much thought on the matter, I think Sporty Spice had the best wardrobe situation while with the Spice Girls. She always got to wear comfy workout clothes and sneakers. It couldn't have taken her more than 5 minutes to get dressed before a show.

My heritage, pt. 1

On this day in 1845, my ancestor Muhammad O'Halloran reached Ireland after fleeing a famine in India. He only had a chance to have a couple of potatoes before the Potato Famine hit. My bloodline has never had good luck.


San Francisco

There are two options I see that we can implement to make living in SF attainable for the common person:

  1. Demolish all residential buildings fewer than 100 stories tall and replace them with 100 story buildings. SF is nowhere to be seen on the list of the world's most densely populated cities. That has to change. Or
  2. Immediately began reclaiming land from the Pacific Ocean, until every man, woman and child who wants to live within the SF city limits is able to do so for the same price it would cost to rent an equivalent space in Topeka. I'm sure Tokyo and Honolulu won't like becoming SF suburbs, but you have to break eggs to make an omelette.

Thanksgiving 2015

Happy We Killed Indians With Diseased Blankets And So Now It's Time To Feast Day


Real protection

I'm going to acquire a taxidermied white man to help me avoid unwanted interactions with the police.



Happy We Threw Off The Shackles Of Oppression So We Could Have The Freedom To Blow Off Our Hands Day!


Introducing Bureaucracy Into Marriage

I have come up with an idea that will revolutionize marriage and all other romantic or cohabitation based relationships.

If one partner makes a special request of the other, they should utilize a workflow system that requires the submission of a “ticket” or work request. The system would help ensure that everyone is on the same page as far as what needs to be done and there would be estimated time frames for the completion of each task.

There would of course be a system to expedite urgent requests which would involve payment (the particular currency or set of sexual favors would be dictated by the scope and time for task completion). This market based solution will deter tasks merely masquerading as urgent from being treated as such.

Failure to complete tickets on time would lead to escalating penalties for the offending party, like having to go furniture shopping or being forced to watch football for nine hours every Sunday. I am confident that given a chance, this type of system could lead to a lot less friction between people living together and/or involved romantically. It’s a win-win-win-win. The extra two wins are for your families and the world, who will be happier as a result of less fighting and tension.




Why did Bruce Jenner pick a name a 19 year old sorority girl would have?

How Squints From "The Sandlot" Caused The Dumbening Of America

I have determined that the dumbening of America can be directly attributed to the movie “The Sandlot”.

In the movie, there is a scene where a nerd named Squints fakes drowning. When hot lifeguard Wendy Peffercorn begins performing CPR on Squints, he unexpectedly kisses her. She is horrified and kicks Squints and his friends out of the pool.

After the movie was released, all the hot lifeguards said, “That’s not going to be me!” So, in an effort to avoid being “Sandlotted”, the hot lifeguards let drowning nerds die instead of attempting mouth to mouth.

From the time the movie was released until it left our national consciousness (estimated at 2002), countless future scientists, engineers and doctors perished in the public pools dotting this great land.

Because of Squints, we now have Sarah Palin and Louie Gohmert in positions of power.

The Nighttime Daycare

This is the year I open a nighttime childcare service specifically targeted to irresponsible parents.

It’ll be cash up front and every parent will get a guide to all the ladies’ nights in town.

Unclaimed children will be sold to Chinese couples who want designer kids. Win win win.


The Tea Party Gets Its Just Desserts

At my old job, I’d talk to Tea Party idiots all the time. Since we had to take calls from people if they followed up on stuff, I was able to see the deterioration of their lives in a very concrete way.

Call 1: Obama is the worst and everyone besides me is leeching off the system! Why do I have to pay so much in taxes! Call 2: I just lost my job. Does my employer have to keep giving me health insurance? Call 3: I’m about to lose my house. Aren’t there any government programs that can help me?

Few things brought me more joy than seeing these people stuck in a world where their situation was at direct odds with their Tea Party views.

Xmas 2014

Happy Home Invasions Are Fine If You're White And Fat And Only Eat Food Left By The Fireplace Day.



Watching Nanny 911, or as I like to call it, Saturday Morning Birth Control.



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