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Police

Think of the guys on the football team in high school who were on the team, were not very good, but still walked around like they owned the school. These are the guys who go on to comprise the majority of the police officers, prison guards and other law enforcement.

Being surprised when guys who were real life Billy Zabka characters don’t act with basic human compassion is like being surprised that a gun kills someone when you shoot it at them.

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Semaj

Yesterday, I was home in time to watch “Maury” after picking up my wife and mother-in-law from the airport. There was a dude named Semaj arguing with his baby mama. I was struck by what an unusual name it was and began thinking of what the origin might be.

After seeing it on the screen again, I realized it was “James” spelled backwards. I felt a sense of anger and annoyance over the extreme stupidity of this name that I’m sure more than one HR manager has felt upon realizing this too.

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Taylor Dayne

If I was dating Taylor Dayne, I'd break up with her a few times a year so she would sing "Love Will Lead You Back" into my voicemail.

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2014 Royals Game 7 Live Blog

8:11 PM: How interesting that we must now vanquish a former Royals prospect in Affeldt to put some runs up on the board.

8:13 PM: Bumgarner coming in to the game. It's like if Scrooge had to kill the ghost of Christmas Past.

8:19 PM: Yost and Bochy both look like they're trying to concentrate on what their wives are saying.

8:20 PM: After his last run, Butler should be upgraded to Healthy Breakfast or Balanced Breakfast.

8:23 PM: That was a shameful run. Butler is hereby downgraded to Vegan Breakfast.

9:03 PM: Why aren't the umps doing anything about the Giants pitchers headhunting?

10:16 PM: My phone autocorrects heartbreak to baseball.

Ammosexuals

Guns have become a socially acceptable substitute for sex toys.

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Do it at home

I'm not OK with people assembling a fully balanced breakfast at the office. Your house has a kitchen; use it.

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Marketing

I'm now part of the Marketing team at work. It's not a new job, just my team getting shuffled over here. I'm going to need to watch the subliminal advertising episode of Saved by the Bell tonight.

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Objectification

Is it just me or do breast cancer awareness campaigns encourage the objectification of women's bodies?

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Advances In Laziness, Vol.1

About a month ago, I was sitting at lunch with some friends at work. I asked if they knew of any kind of disposable item that I could place on the kitchen counter while my wife cooks, leaving the kitchen counter clean afterwards. I was told that there was no way this existed and to just clean the counters right after the cooking is done. They underestimated my dedication to laziness and my ability to find new uses for existing items.

About a week ago, I was hanging around at another friend’s cube and she mentioned that she needed to pick up some carpet runner at the hardware store after work. I inquired further and when I saw the picture, the wheels started turning. This was a spool of plastic material that could easily be cut to size.

I headed to the hardware store this past weekend and asked if they had any carpet runner. The stuff they had was too heavy duty. The salesman asked me what I was going to use it for. After I explained it to him, this hero said, “Oh. You want plastic sheeting.”

Yesterday morning, I unrolled the sheeting on to the kitchen counter and cut it to the length I needed. Last night, my wife cooked and all the debris safely landed on my new counter cover.

5k Motivation

 

There are few things more motivating in this world than trying to stay ahead of a large lady wearing a thong as well as leggings that are stretching to the point of being sheer. I beat my treadmill time by 20 minutes.

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Timely Advice

Since my sister in law writes erotica, the subject of menage a trois came up at dinner last night. My nephew asked what it meant.

I said, “Don’t do it, kid. You never want to disappoint two people when you can get away with just disappointing one.”

No more jeans

Jeans days are now banned at work. My outfit today has a definite "I work at a golf store in the mall" vibe to it.

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Knowledge Bowl

I was in high school and on the Knowledge Bowl team. One afternoon, we drove to a qualifier for all the schools in the state. I was sick as hell that day. I had a blanket, was chugging chicken soup and popping lozenges like Tic Tacs. The qualifier was at a high school, so each team was in a different classroom. Once we began, the judges gave us questions as they would in a real competition. At some point, the question "Who is known as the Magnificent Miss M?" was asked. I said, "Bette Midler" and proceeded to pass out. My only familiarity was seeing the trailers for her movies. Some people have a winning touchdown pass as their proudest competitive achievement. I have Knowledge Bowl.
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Afghani culture

Good to see our urban culture is permeating Central Asia.

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It's Not Right, But It's OK

Today, I conclusively proved to my wife that if something is not O.K., it is right. If we accept noted logician Whitney Houston's 1999 theorem, "It's Not Right, But It's OK", then we must accept that the converse is also true, ergo if it's not OK, it's right. Me FTW.

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Jersey Shore Studies

If I were a Women's Studies major, my thesis topic would be "The Fossil Watch As Sexual Currency on the Jersey Shore".

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Dustin Diamond

I think Dustin Diamond is so bitter because he invented a sentient robot in 1989 and no one gave him his due.

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Crazy alternative

Calling someone crazy is too derogatory. We should instead call them people who experience a wide range of emotions on a regular basis.

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Magnum Reboot

I'm writing a reboot of Magnum P.I. where Magnum moves to the UK and serves in the House of Commons. It's going to be called Magnum PI, MP.

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Tattooed Tears

If I went to jail, I'd get a waterfall tattooed on my face. If someone asked about it, I'd say, "The human body cannot produce that many tears." It would make me a boss from Day 1.

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Prius

A person driving aggressively in a Prius is like a declawed cat trying to scratch up a couch.

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Late Night Hotel

I was once on a road trip with another dude. We hadn’t booked a hotel for that night, and found that all the hotels in a 50 mile radius were rented out. We finally found a room with a single bed. My friend looked apprehensive and looked like he was going to turn down the room because he was not wanting to sleep in the same bed as another dude. I was angry and screamed, “I have no interest in trying to have sex with you! If you’re going to try and have sex with me, make sure you don’t wake me up!” Needless to say, we took the room.

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My heritage, pt. 2

He was on the same ship as my other uncle, Muhammad O'Halloran. They had a great enmity and so when Muhammad O'Halloran expressed his intent to get off in Ireland, Muhammad Cobretti jumped ship in Italy.

He became the eminent sausage maker in the country, which was puzzling because he remained Muslim and thus could never eat his creations.

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4/20 and Easter

People, 4/20 and Easter are going to coincide only 33 more times in the next 1000 years. Just sayin'.

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Most boring bling

Jay-Z once boasted that he plays Monopoly with real cash. That is the most boring baller activity I've heard of.

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Down With Ted Mosby

Alternate titles for How I Met Your Mother, from a commenter on Deadspin:

  • How I Banged A Bunch Of Chicks Before Your Dead Mother

  • Kids, Your Nerdy Father Got His Share Of Tail

  • Boy Howdy How I Met The Filler In My Love Life That Was Your Mother

  • How I Wasted Hours And Hours Of My Childrens' Lives With This Story

  • How New York Should Really Rethink How It Picks Its Judges,

  • And Also Lots of Sex Stuff Gilligan's Upper West Side Islands

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Bucket List Item #235

Tip a stripper with a money order.

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Poverty solution

On the Daily Show, Fox Business commentator Todd Wilemon's brilliant solution to affordable healthcare: People need to stop being poor.

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James Brown, Puttin' It Down!

This is the most glorious photo of James Brown I have seen.

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Tea Party Supporters

I finally read something that perfectly sums up the “Impeach Obama, HE’S A MUSLIM, benghazi was a plot” crowd. Noam Schreiber says, “When you’re dealing with delusional people, any gesture in their direction will only be interpreted as confirmation that their delusions are true.” People like Robert Jewell and others who like to put out crazy nonsense are delusional trolls. They feed on the negative attention they get and the commiserative words provided by their comrades in lunacy. They will be looked at by history not as patriots, but as the racist bigots they really are. They all want to scrap democracy while they bray ad nauseum about upholding the Constitution. These are the people who want to destroy America. The comments on this page should be saved and re-released to the public every so often just to show how low things can go.

People, we need to get out and vote against people like Lynn Jenkins and marginalize the nutjobs who have taken over American political discourse. The president is conducting his business just as everyone before him. He is not acting unconstitutionally by just exercising his powers to make Congress actually do its job. I refuse to deal with people who are so stupid or deluded that they can not think rationally. Good night and good luck living with yourselves in a future that will scorn everything you believe in and stand for.

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