The Vault

Ice-T Podcast Live Blog

Ice on"The Hunger Games": If they can hunt so good, why don't they just hunt food?

Ice on Brad Pitt: If your man don't like Brad Pitt, he's just a bitch.

Ice and his friend on gaming:

  • Friend: I can't play no games. I get carper tunnel. I
  • ce: What the f**k is carper tunnel?
  • Friend: Where your hands get messed up, brotha.

Ice on Crocs (the shoes): You might as well put on some Crocs, if you're trying to have some p***y repellent.

Ice T's friend on male health: When you taking a shower, man, act like a woman, man. Check your testicles, man.

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2014 Reading Stats Update

Over the past year, I had the feeling that I wasn't reading enough since I've largely stopped reading books.

Then I got that email from Pocket that stated I was in the top 1% of readers on their site in 2013 with 3,818,486 words read. This was about 1/3 to 1/2 of my reading in 2013.

So, beginning on New Year's Day, I decided to start tracking the number of words I read. I'm only counting articles or things over 700 words, since those take more than a couple of minutes for me to read.

Assuming 545 words per page (I think the usual 250 per page benchmark is for paperbacks like the romance novels they sell at the grocery store), I have read 776 pages thus far in 2014. Assuming 300 pages per book, that is already a little more than 2 books. More updates to come.

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Detroit dreams

I want to buy $1 houses in Detroit and become a land baron. My property would be guarded by a team of street urchins. My wife refuses to let me put my plan into action.

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Tecmo Bowl

The Chiefs game was unbelievable. They lost five of their most important players in the course of the game, all in increasingly devastating fashion. I've never seen anything like it.

The only thing I can compare it to is one player mode in Tecmo Bowl on the NES. Whenever you began doing too well, your offense and defensive plays would suspiciously cease to work against the AI. Your team would give up big plays over and over until the score got close. I'd always yell, "The damn computer's cheating again!" I saw it in real life today, and it was just as frustrating.

2013 Honeymoon

Day 1: While at the hotel restaurant in Miami, I saw an old man named Irv with a name badge stating he was with a group called "Adventures In Intimacy" talking to an old lady. Jessicca later informed me that "Adventures In Intimacy" is a swingers' group. It made a lot more sense why he was telling the old lady about "expanding our horizons" and "letting whatever feels good happen." Also, ew.

Day 2: A waiter on the ship at dinner apparently called me "impatient" under his breath when I informed him we were ready to order. Jessicca was vexed by this, but I took it in stride. After all, I have the money to be relaxing while the waiter has to deal with rednecks and doofuses all day. I'm pretty sure I win this round.

Day 3: We went to a private island owned by Norwegian Cruise Lines. While on the boat, we sat next to a couple of young ladies who were taking tons of selfies. When I got to the island and into the water, I saw them asking lifeguards and other people to take pictures of them in various poses meant to indicate YOLO or female empowerment. After which they hit the bar for a drink and took the next shuttle back to the ship. Instagram will be the ruin of us all.

Day 4: I am no longer the strapping young man I once was. I had sunburn all over. As a youth, I fell asleep in a deck chair for over 8 hours and only had sunburn on a small patch of skin on the back of my neck. Sigh... Jessicca also bested me at a trivia competition, only because she was asked questions like "How long is your hair?" and I was asked questions like "How many right angles are in a parallelogram?"

Day 5: I ate the best fish I have tasted since I had some curried lobsters a few years back in Bangladesh. I am also a great lover of conch meat now.

Days 6 and 7: Once again dealing with the beastly natives in the good ol' US of A. On the morning of our flight back to KC, we had the opportunity to sit by a bunch of college students on their way back home for the holidays. One of the guys said, "I hope my wife is rich because I want to be a stay at home dad and do youth ministry on the side." Ugh.

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Sci Fi

I was thinking of watching the movie where Common falls in love with Queen Latifah, but I'm not really in the mood for science fiction.

Leaving Early

I went to KU in the late 90s. I remember during second semester of my freshman year, a few times a week when I was walking back from a morning class to the dorm, I would see a car in the loading area. There would be a shell shocked, sad looking, soon-to-be-former student loading their things with their stern looking parents into a van or station wagon. It always made me sad for the rest of the day.
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Random, totally random

I will be traveling by plane in November. Looking forward to being "randomly selected" at the airport, just like every other time I fly.

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Born again

People who are "born again" after becoming tired of partying non-stop is like someone giving up combs after going bald.

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Rap disses

Kendrick Lamar's verse on "Control" has sparked a controversy in the hip hop world. After going down a rabbit hole, I found this awesome article about the stories behind 50 rap beefs. I will present the highlights without comment, because they need no embellishment.

Nicki Minaj "Roman's Revenge" (2010)

Target: Lil Kim

“… the track left the once-legendary Kim grasping for straws and desperately lying about mixtape sales on Paypal.”

Kurupt "Callin' Out Names" (1999)

Target: Ja Rule, Belly, The Firm, Foxy Brown, Irv Gotti, Murder Inc., DMX

This track played out more like a drunken tirade and could be best remembered as the first time a rapper dissed a movie cast ("Fuck Belly").

Noreaga "Halfway Thug Pt. 2" (1998)

Target: Tragedy Khadafi

“… accused Trag of being a 37-year-old ham-eating Muslim…”

50 Cent "Piggy Bank" (2005)

Target: Nas, Jadakiss, Mobb Deep, Ja Rule, Kelis, Shyne, Fat Joe, Lil Kim

“but does score points for depicting Nas as "Captain Save Em" chasing down the Kelis "Milkshake" truck”

U.N.L.V. "Drag Em In The River" (1996)

Target: Big Boy Records, Mystikal

“… a scorching N.O. anthem that poked fun at Mystikal's braids and his past as a high school cheerleader..”

MC Eiht "Def Wish" (1991-1996)

Target: DJ Quik (I-IV)

“… paints Quik as a goofy, perm-wearing, clucker in a Khaki bikini.”

Jadakiss "Checkmate" (2005)

Target: 50 Cent

“The track was filled with quotables, with Kiss alluding to 50 being a snitch, having the weakest flow in G-Unit, and asks what's so cool about being shot nine times and not shooting back.”

Royce Da 5'9" "Malcolm X" (2003)

Target: D12

This hilarious yet vicious track poked fun at each and every member of the Dirty Dozen, picking apart Bizarre for being fat and stuttering and predicting members would be raking 50 Cent's leaves in the near future.

T.I. "99 Problems (Lil Flip Ain't One)" (2004)

Target: Lil Flip

Once free, T.I. went on a Lil Flip slander campaign, claiming it was game over for Flip, who was nothing but a studio gangster who lived in the suburbs and wore Leprechaun outfits (which Flip famously donned on the cover of his The Leprechaun album). The beef was eventually squashed, but not before the two came to fisticuffs in Flip's Houston neighborhood of Cloverland, where T.I. was visiting with a camera crew to expose Flip as a fraud.

Cam'Ron f/ Jim Jones "Hate Me Now" (2002)

Target: Nas

Lines were crossed, low-blows were thrown and Jim Jones introduced the amazing term, "Kufi Slapper."

Jay-Z "Super Ugly" (2001)

Target: Carmen, Nas

However, a closer inspection reveals a ruthless and remorseless diss, in which Jay brags about sexing Nas' baby-mother, Carmen Bryan, and leaving condoms on his daughter Destiny's car seat, that even had Hov's Mom insisted he issue a public apology to Nas and family to which Jay obliged.

LL Cool J "To Da Break Of Dawn" (1990)

Target: Ice T, MC Hammer, Kool Moe Dee

Dedicating one verse to each foe, LL mocked Kool Moe Dee for wearing "Star Trek shades," called MC Hammer a gym teacher, and clowned Ice-T for being a parking-lot employee with a perm.

Nas "Ether" (2001)

Target: Jay-Z

“…calling Jay-Z a camel…”

Jay-Z "Takeover" (2001)

Target: Prodigy, Nas

Prodigy of Mobb Deep was dissed on the second verse, but this was dramatically overshadowed by Jay's beef with Nas. Hov's shots at P focused on his small stature, smaller record sales, and the infamous "ballerina" pic he flashed on the screen at Summer Jam 2001.

The Nas portion was far more brutal, attacking Nas' descent from hip-hop's top MC list to a guy who was now being out-rapped on posse cuts by his bodyguard. Jay went on to clown Nas' catalog, and on the final line alluded to sexing Nas' baby-mother, Carmen Bryan.

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A Conversation Between Me and My High School English Teacher

English teacher: What do you think of as the American Dream?

Me: To live in a mansion with Benzes.

English Teacher: Your American Dream involves owning a foreign car ? Wouldn't an American car be more appropriate ?

Me: None of my dreams involve waiting on the side of the highway for a tow truck.

Fantasy suite

I only watch one episode of “The Bachelor” every season: the fantasy suite episode.

When the runner up is told she is being eliminated, you see the confusion, betrayal and then self-loathing flash across her face after she realizes she had sex with a virtual stranger for no return. I’m a terrible person, because this delights me to no end.

The Day I Lost Faith In Our Justice System

When I was a young boy, my family used to go to Bangladesh to visit falling every summer. In 1987, I was accused of stealing some money that had gone missing from my mom's purse. She did everything short of water boarding me to get me to admit that I was a thief. The next day, she pulled out one of her purses and the money was tucked away safely inside. When I expressed my desire for an apology, I was told that I was lucky to still be alive.

On that day, I realized that our innate sense of right and wrong is broken. As a result , I lost all faith in these allegedly impartial systems we rely on for "justice".

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Mugabe

The New Yorker described Robert Mugabe as the Emperor Palpatine Of African politics. That's the most apt description of him I've ever heard.

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80s Sitcom Lessons

The death of the very special episode on TV is what has unmoored this country from its moral foundation. After watching several episodes of "Family Ties" on Hulu this weekend, I learned:

1. Don't try to make out with a teenage girl who refer to you as Uncle.

2. Don't have an affair with Angela Bower.

3. Don't steal money from your employer and head to your big sister's house to hide.

4. Don't develop a drinking problem after getting out of jail for #3.

5. Don't take caffeine pills (also re-iterated by Saved By The Bell).

6. Don't abduct your child when your ex-wife says she's moving with him to California.

7. Don't publish the names of people who cheated on a test in the school paper.

8. Don't give too much leeway to odious people who can write you a recommendation to an Ivy League school.

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Thieves Deserve To Steal, Apparently

Is there any evidence that it was stolen, or is it possible she just forgot it at the café and an unscrupulous barista picked it up? I mean, sucks to lose your iPad, and at best the barista behaved unethically by not reporting it, but this wasn't necessarily a premeditated crime.

Yeah, this is extremely classist, self-righteous, and condescending. Especially because she was not actually robbed -- as far as I can tell she forgot her iPad at a cafe and then didn't even notice for several days.

Your identification of corporate policy with actual law is revealing more about you than about the case. We only tell people "be nice and give it back" when they can't afford lawyers.

I was rooting for Cali Cappa, shame about his girlfriend's job.

This is a class thing, through and through. The worst thing that could happen to Cappa and the girlfriend is a years or decades long downward spiral through this country's broken two-tier racist classist legal system. The worst case for Mrs. McDowell is that she'd have to pony up for another iPad, which apparently she seems fully capable of affording, with no problems.

The individuals thieves are wrong but theft is just something that happens to people who have things worth stealing.

Comments in the vein of "Classist scum! How dare you make fun of Cali Cappa!" comments are one of the few things that really annoy me about MeFi. People who feel like the victim is "gloating" and shouldn't have taken such measures because she is in a position to forget about an iPad for a few days are sending the wrong message. Patronizing and "standing up" for people like Cali only leads to a further breakdown of civility in our society. We live in a country where people have the opportunity to make something of themselves. If a person chooses to take shortcuts and take things that another person worked for because they are unable to afford them, they are going against the principles of self-determination that this nation is based upon. If Cali wants an iPad, he needs to save up his money, make some sacrifices if needed, and get one. And the fact that he may not be able to afford one because he works a minimum wage job is irrelevant. Owning luxury electronics is not a right, it's a privilege.

In a way, people who are defending Cali Cappa and his girlfriend are the true "classists" because they believe that these two people have no chance of changing the current horrible path his life is on. They don't believe that he has any capacity to be a better person, so scorn should be heaped upon the victim because she dared make him feel bad about himself. He is an unrepentant scoundrel and deserves every terrible thing that happens to him if he takes things he may feel he "deserves to have." His significant other is a thief who is bereft of a moral compass. She sees no problem in stealing the property of a patron of the coffee shop she works at. These people deserve scorn and contempt. They deserve to be unmasked as the terrible people they are to their friends and family, as well as the authorities. At this point, only shaming them will deter this type of anti-social conduct.

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Dog with a Blog alternatives

Following in the footsteps of "Dog With A Blog", I'm pitching a show to Disney called "Hog in the Smog" about a talking pig living in LA.

"A Log in the Bog": NatGeo show about a branch from a tree that fell without anyone hearing it make a sound.

"A Cog in the Fog": A gritty show on FX about a cubicle worker in SF.

"Wog and the Dog": A BBC America show about a Pakistani in England who adopts a rescue.

"A Dog and A Jog": Discovery Health show about aerobic exercise with your pets.

A Frog on the Grog: Cartoon Network Adult Swim show about an alcoholic frog.

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Best job ever

I want to become a certified, licensed, and bonded Beastmaster.

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Datin' Moore: Applying The Process™ To Your Romantic Life

Hi Dayton,

I recently broke up with my girlfriend of 2 years. She claimed that I never fully committed to the relationship, and let me go. She was a Latino chick who worked as a prison therapist. My friends are now saying that I need a younger, granola chick. Do you agree?

Dumped In Denver

Dayton: DID, this past offseason, I decided that we needed to trade Wil Myers, Jake Odorizzi, and Mike Montgomery to the Rays for James Shields and Wade Davis. Many people are criticizing this great trade because they say I was fixated on getting a pitcher who could be labeled an "ace". Well, you know what? That trade is an unqualified winner! Shields should have gone to the All Star Game.

So, let me take you back to the 2004 season. Right before the trade deadline, the OLD front office orchestrated a 3 team trade with the A's and Astros. We got Mark Teahen, John Buck, and Mike Wood, the Astros got Carlos Beltran, and the A's got Octavio Dotel. Looking back, this was an unusually bad haul. The OLD front office mandated that any Beltran trade had to get a third baseman and a catcher back. Since the A's had Mark Teahen and the Astros had Buck, the OLD front office made the deal. They were shortsighted in thinking they needed to get specific position players back, rather than just going for the best overall return. When I got here and instituted The Process™, all that wrong headed thinking was replaced with effective scouting and a focus on the right types of players.

So, you need to find the best overall girl for you. It doesn't matter if she's a "granola" or a "preppie". She just has to be the best overall talent. Just look at what I did in the 2006 Draft. Wait, on second thought, don't....

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Authenticity

It's easy to be snarky and cynical. Hell, that's my default mode. But, we all need to take a few minutes each day to think about how amazing and wondrous the world around us is. We are all able to live in the best country on Earth, we have our health (most of us), and there are people out there who care about us. To get mad at little things like someone cutting us off in traffic or someone getting the last Diet Coke out of the vending machine is a drop in the bucket of life. I'm going to start trying to brush these things aside and look at the brighter side of things.

Bad things can and do happen, but through all that, we need to maintain our sense of hope and optimism that the world is a good place. We need to actively make our world one we want to live in. A smile and a nice comment can brighten everyone's day and doesn't cost a thing. Doing something for a loved one without them asking can turn their day around. Simply spending time with someone shows that they are valued. We have the ability to change our environment from negative to positive.

So, I will try to make an effort to brighten someone's day today. Perhaps you might do the same.

P.S. I will still be snarky and cynical, but know that it's coming from a place of love.

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Datin' Moore: Applying "The Process" To Your Romantic Life

Hi Dayton,

I've been seeing my boyfriend for the past three years. Recently, a young and hot new guy started working the same shift at the fast food restaurant where I work. We flirt all the time, and he has recently made his sexual desire known to me. My current guy is steady, reliable, and makes me feel like a queen. My current boyfriend and I are great together, but I can't help wonder what things would be like with the new guy at work. Should I stay with my current guy or leave for greener pastures?

Sincerely, Torn in Tulsa

Dayton: TIT, I took over the Royals in 2006. Before that, the organization's history was littered with hot, young guys we got in the draft like Colt Griffin, Roscoe Crosby, and Jim Pittsley. In particular with Griffin, the OLD front office sent a scout out to see him at his parent's farm. When we clocked him at 100, the decision was made. Never mind that more reliable college players like Aaron Heilman and Bobby Crosby were still on the board. By going with the "hot, young guy", the organization was set back for the next 5 years, until I got there and drafted Luke Hochevar. Now,with The Process™ in place, we have succeeded in assembling The Greatest Farm System In Baseball History.  Where was I? Oh right. So, Colt Griffin only had one tool. I always look for guys with at least five tools. This "young, hot" guy seems to have only two tools. Your current beau seems to have three tools, max. My advice is to scout out the new guy and your current beau further. If neither of them has five tools, then you need to find a new guy. After all, you deserve to find your own Eric Hosmer.

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Praying on it

When someone says "I' need to pray on it", I hear "I don't believe in this bad idea yet, but I will get back to you after deluding myself".

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I Can't Help Where I Have To Park

A man called in to complain about his car being damaged. He was working at a building where people had to pay for parking. So, this man decided to park in a side street to avoid the fees.

Man: They forced me to park in the side street.
Me: How do you figure that?
Man: I don't want to pay for parking and I have to go to work. It's their fault this happened.
Me: Let me get this straight: You chose to park in the side street, and that is your employer's fault?
Man: Well, if I hadn't been forced to park there for work, my car would be fine.
Me: How do you think things will go for you at work if you sue your employer for damage to your car?
Man: What do you mean? Can they fire me?
Me: As long as they can prove it's for a non-discriminatory or protected reason, they can fire you. We are in an at-will employment state.
Man: That's not fair!

Emigrating To The Green Isle

A man called in the day after Barack Obama was elected President in 2008. Obama's victory had convinced this man that the U.S. would soon become  a "Socilist" haven that would target God fearing people such as himself. So, this man decided he wanted to emigrate to Ireland.

Man: So, do I call the U.S. Embassy in Ireland about this?
Me: No, you have to contact the Irish Embassy here in the U.S.
Man: Really? Why? I'm an American citizen.
Me: Because if you're trying to emigrate to Ireland, you need to ask them what their laws and regulations are to enable you to do so. The U.S. Embassy can only counsel you about matters pertaining to this country. Besides, wouldn't that be akin to sleeping with the enemy?
Me: I never thought of it that way!

Just Send It To My House

A man called in about evicting his adult stepdaughter from his home. Stepdaughter was originally supposed to stay for two weeks while she found a new job, and then was to get her own apartment. Six weeks had now passed, and stepdaughter was whiling away her days sleeping and watching TV. He asked what the usual eviction process was. I explained that a letter would usually be sent to the tenant, along with a notice of eviction being attached to the apartment door.

Man: So, can you send a letter to [stepdaughter]?
Me: Let me get this straight. You want me to send a letter to evict your adult stepdaughter from your house. Meaning the letter will be sent to your house?
Man: Yeah.
Me: Just curious: How does [stepdaughter] receive her mail?
Man: My wife hands it to her.
Me: So, your wife will hand an eviction letter to [stepdaughter]?
Man: Yeah.
Me: This will not end well.
Man: I have to do it!

About a month later, the man called in because stepdaughter had gone nuts after getting the letter. He now wanted to sue her for the damage to his dishes and other breakables that were damaged during the ensuing altercation between stepdaughter and wife.

I Need Better Cell Service!

A woman called in about the deterioration in her cellphone service. She was a legacy customer of Cellular One, which had recently been acquired by U.S. Cellular. I asked her when her contract was up, and she told me it would expire in 2 months' time. So, I offered to contact U.S. Cellular to see if they would let her cancel her contract with no penalty.

Woman: I don't want to cancel! I want better service.
Me: I understand. If we get your contract cancelled, then you can move to another company that has better cell reception.
Woman: I just want better cell service! I don't want to change my company! I been with them for a long time.
Me: How do you think that your cell reception will get better if you stay with U.S. Cellular?
Woman: I don't know! I need you to make them do something!
Me: They're not going to move a cell tower closer to your house so your signal gets better.
Woman: Why not????
Me: *crawling under desk for the rest of the day*

The African Diamond Affair

A man called in with an unusual request. He needed me to contact Interpol on his behalf. This man had gotten into touch with some men in the African nation of Benin (I wasn't told how the two parties met). The man calling me had completed a couple of transactions with these men to buy diamonds, spending around $2,000 each time. After the completion of the second sale, the Beninois told the man they had an unbelievable deal for him. They would send him a diamond worth at least $1,000,000 for only $50,000. The man promptly wired the money to Benin. After the money was received, the Beninois mysteriously disappeared.

Me: Did you know these people personally?
Man: No. I only conversed with them over the Internet.
Me: Just curious, but how were they going to get the diamond to you?
Man: We agreed that the diamond would be sent by DHL.
Me: Wait a second. Did you intend to declare the diamond and pay import duties?
Man: Why would I need to do that? They were sending it via DHL.
Me: DHL packages can be checked by customs.
Man: They can?
Me: Yes. Anyway, I can't initiate an inquiry to Interpol. You'll have to go through the [state] Bureau of Investigation.
Man: Will they find the men?
Me: Not very likely. You have been tricked by criminals.
Man: I see. I suppose I should tell my wife.
Me: Not a bad idea.

Making Money Shouldn't Be So Hard

An elderly woman called in about a website she had "bought". A nice man called her approximately two months earlier and said that for only $10,000, his company would sell her a website that would make her money. After the money was sent to the nice man, he mysteriously stopped taking the woman's calls.

Me: So what exactly were you going to be selling?
Woman: He told me I'd be selling products and that every time someone came to the website, I would get paid.
Me: Right. But what were you selling on this website?
Woman: I told you! Products?
Me: You don't know, do you?
Woman: *silent*
Me: *cutting the words "Why Did I Choose This?" into my arms*
About six months later, the woman called again about another website she had "bought".

People Who "Tell the Truth" Aren't A Protected Class

A woman called in about being discriminated against at work because she was African American. She said that her manager was not giving her the same hours as all the other employees. I sent her a questionnaire to fill out to get more detail about the case. About a week later, I got the paperwork back and called her. She sent in a work schedule as part of her packet.

Me: I am looking at this schedule, and I see that there is a Sheneneh and Laquanda [names changed]. May I presume that they're African American as well?
Woman: Yup.
Me: I also see that they are getting 40 hours a week.
Woman: That's because they're friends with the boss.
Me: That really sinks your case. You can't claim racial discrimination if there are other people of the same race getting 40 hours a week. If these women were all getting reduced hours, then we might have something.
Woman: If I get fired, do I get unemployment?
Me: Not unless we can prove discrimination. Which we can't.
Woman: Well I'm going to apply anyway.
Me: You are free to do so. The likelihood of you getting benefits is low

She called back in a month later about being denied for unemployment. The reason for her getting fired? Telling her boss "the truth".

Send Me Cash and I'll Send You More Cash

This woman called in wanting me to contact a lender who had not sent her money from a loan she was promised. The woman had seen a commercial about real estate investing. This commercial directed viewers to contact a specific lender to get the loans they needed to begin living their dreams. After doing some research and finding the lender on LendingTree.com, the woman determined that the lender was "legit".

Me: Well, what did you use as collateral?
Woman: They said that I needed to send them $3,000 as collateral and they would send me the $35,000 they promised me.
Me: Wait a second, you used cash as collateral for the loan? That doesn't make any sense.

But wait, it gets worse. Once the woman contacted the loan company and sent the cash, they stopped taking her calls.

Woman: I need to pay these loans by Friday.
Me: Who did you borrow from?
Woman: I took out payday loans for the money.
Me: You did what?
Woman: I was going to pay the payday loans back when I got the money from the loan company and use the rest to start investing in real estate.
Me: I hate to tell you this, but you've been defrauded by these people.
Woman: But they were on LendingTree.com!
Me: "lamenting the state of the world"

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