This is almost the whole article's text, but it's too good not to share:

Here we find the old man robbed of his schtick by the punishing cold, the usual cartoonishness of his persona replaced by the pained look that you find on the face of every old man who has been forced to leave Florida. This is the first time we've ever seen the real Dickie V.

Great quote from Reddit:

It must be hard taking your car to 100 mechanics before you get to one that tells you your brakes are working just fine. It must be hard going to 100 doctors before you find the one that tells you your cholesterol level is healthy.

A quote by Krusty the Clown from the Simpsons episode, "Bart the Fink":

There's no silver lining here. I was a big cheese! A huge cheese! But now, look at me. I gotta ride the bus like a schnook! I gotta live in an apartment like an idiot! I gotta wait in line with nobodies to buy groceries from a failure!

First, some important distinctions between dressing and stuffing at Thanksgiving:

This Reddit post about Adolf Eichmann has some very deep insights about why people choose to believe in things like conspiracy theories:

A classic line from The Simpsons:

“There’s no need to murmur, ma’am. Here at Itchy and Scratchy Land we’re just as concerned about violence as you are. That’s why we’re always careful to show the consequences of deadly mayhem, so that we may educate as well as horrify.”

Link to the original

Samantha Bee is one of the funniest people out there today. You may not agree with her political views, but her book is filled with some great lines:

Who among us didn’t enjoy unwinding with liquor and smokes in the company of unsupervised children?

From Mastermind, a James Bond villain-level hacker had the following exchange at his trial:

Q. And, for example, you ordered the murder of a Filipino customs agent, correct?

A. That’s not correct.

Q. What is not correct about it?

A. The individual wasn’t a customs agent.

From the book Dynastic, Bombastic, Fantastic: Reggie, Rollie, Catfish, and Charlie Finley's Swingin' A's, this great story about outfielder Billy North:

who's on judge mathis today? #194:

greg dusts off his perry mason costume to say, “aha! that means you believed him, which means he isn’t lying and you’re here on behalf of a thief!” what was that sound? oh yeah, that was my bottom jaw s h a t t e r i n g against the floor. what a thrilling and hilarious trap!!!!! i really do be forgetting sometimes that greg is a real live trained lawyer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I couldn't pick just one or two of the points in this post, so I'm going to repost it.

• Stay calm. Remember, you can’t become worse off than when you started.

• Cultivate a professional mindset. You are above the company, descending to help them. Do the work required, do honest work, help them achieve their goals, but don’t become mentally trapped.

From Maureen Johnson's excellent new book, Your Guide to Not Getting Murdered in a Quaint English Village:

The interior of the main house is a puzzle box of danger built and redesigned so many times over the years that no one knows what the real layout is. It is madness, secrecy, and familial hatred made manifest.

The great Ben Franklin said it best:

A learned blockhead is a greater blockhead than an ignorant one.

Roger Ebert was always at his best when he didn't like a movie, like 1980's Spit on Your Grave:

"You need to dress like you have a job and parents who raised you in some kind of shame based American religious tradition." - Liz Lemon

From Filip Bondy's book about the Pine Tar Game:

I have a mixed relationship with what people would call self-help. I think most of it is bogus nonsense. But there are some people who make sense. The point here is that there aren't any absolutes. There is usually at least a modicum of value in most things.

Men lie, women lie, buckets don’t.- Dion Waiters

Coach Finstock from the movie Teen Wolf said the following wise words:

There are 3 rules that I live by: never get less than 12 hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body.

I love Mike Birbiglia's comedy. His book had gems like the following:

The closest I had come to seeing a woman naked was in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Since my parents never gave me a sex talk, all I knew was that sex had something to do with swimming.