Nextdoor should rebrand and change their name to Kross Karens' Kaka.
Every season I played fantasy basketball, I had to have Rudy Gay on my team so I could name it The Gay Community.
Why Rudy Gay never created Gay Communities wherever he played is still a mystery to me.
All the people on Love Island need to be given a GED study guide and a Bible.
A conversation I had with my pal, Lora a couple of years ago, when we'd both reached our 40s.
Lora: I'd be so much better and popular if I went back to high school now.
Muneer: Yeah, but then the most popular jock would pull a She's All That on you.
Lora: Say what?
I was talking to someone today about analyzing projects that have gone wrong at work. I said,
I love digging through projects and finding out what happened. It's like a puzzle. But the answer inevitably infuriates me. So I am left with a conundrum: the thing that I love the most also brings me the greatest sadness.
My great uncle Mohammad O'Halloran had a stop in Brussels when he was going from India to Ireland. He managed, in the span of 24.5 minutes, to father a boy named Pieter van der Ahmaad. I must travel to Belgium and reclaim my birthright.
Muneer: Can I call the police donut boy, or is that like the N-word now?
Steve: Short answer to both questions: yes.
Muneer: Steve and I have decided to embark upon a new business venture that we just realized has been approved by God. We are going to tailgate Covid vaccine lines and sell tasty ribs, sausages and hot links to the unwashed masses. The name of our business will be a combo of our names: Steer. God gave us both the perfect names to combine into a name for a predatory BBQ business.
Wife: Who’s doing the cooking?
Muneer: We're looking into the exciting world of undocumented labor to procure our pitmaster.
If Ronald Reagan was Mario, Trump is Wario.
Muneer: I knew a dude in college who used to eat tofu submerged in maple syrup for breakfast.
Lisette: I assume that man is in prison today.
Muneer: He cut me out of his life in 2008.
Lisette: You mean he liberated you from his life in 2008.
Muneer: I just want the Supreme Court nomination ceremony to end up being like the opening scene in King Ralph.
Steve: That takes me back.
Muneer: Instead of it all happening at once, it can happen over a few weeks or months.
Muneer: But at the end of the day, a Canadian named Gordie Ashton will be named president. He will bring moose and Tim Hortons along with social programs.
Steve: I, for one, welcome our Canadian overlords.
I told my friend that my favorite cologne in college was Drakkar Noir.
She told me she's glad to hear I was using birth control.
Steve: Donkey nannies are pretty cool.
Lisette: I am also too young, small and adorable for journeys. I want a donkey nanny.
Muneer: I would place some of those old school saddles on my donkey with the bags on each side. One side would have carrots and the other would have apples. We'd take day-long walks in the countryside and enjoy each other's company.
Lisette: That got a little too romantic at the end.
Steve: The other option was overtly sexual. There was no third path.
I was forced to warn my good pal about this man. The following is an excerpt from that conversation:
I once saw a teen boy at SportClips with his mom. The stylist who came to get him for his cut was a Russian woman who was showing a lot of cleavage.
The mom said, "We'll wait until the next person is free" and held the boy's arm. The boy shook his arm free, gave mom a look like "Damn bitch! Let me live!" and went with the stylist.
The mom, angry about this turn of events, loudly announced she was going to get ice cream.
I wanted to run over and give the boy some dap, but restrained myself.
Happy "We're So Rich That Begging For Food Is Seen As A Leisure Activity" Day!
Heard just now: if you go a town where the factory just shut down, the strip clubs are a lot more liberal about what you can do.
Merry 'All The Threats Of Not Getting Presents Because Santa Only Gives Gifts To Those On The Nice List Have No Teeth, Be As Naughty As You Want' Day.
Back in 1996, I was complaining about some political issue on the KU bus. Some guy says, "You have no right to complain if you don't vote." I looked at him and said, "I have no right to vote since I'm not a citizen, so I'm literally in the only group that can legitimately complain about how things are since I have no say in any of it. However, if your mom or sister is willing to marry me, I'll be sure to vote in 2000."
Ted Cruz is a very odd duck. I don't think I've run across someone so universally disliked, yet so successful at getting into positions of power.
Here's What Happens When You Try and Track Down a Ted Cruz College Rumor: Ted decided to call a woman's mother a whore. The rest of this article is like watching a car wreck in the slowest of motions.
Happy We Killed Indians With Diseased Blankets And So Now It's Time To Feast Day
I'm going to acquire a taxidermied white man to help me avoid unwanted interactions with the police.
This led to the following exchange in the Facebook comments:
Happy We Threw Off The Shackles Of Oppression So We Could Have The Freedom To Blow Off Our Hands Day!
Happy Home Invasions Are Fine If You're White And Fat And Only Eat Food Left By The Fireplace Day.
Have fun at your “work is forcing us to hang out, so I drink to loosen up, cheat on my wife in the supply closet, have to get a divorce, now my kids are from a broken home” parties.
Since my sister in law writes erotica, the subject of menage a trois came up at dinner last night. My nephew asked what it meant.
I said, “Don’t do it, kid. You never want to disappoint two people when you can get away with just disappointing one.”
Jeans days are now banned at work. My outfit today has a definite "I work at a golf store in the mall" vibe to it.
Today, I conclusively proved to my wife that if something is not O.K., it is right. If we accept noted logician Whitney Houston's 1999 theorem, "It's Not Right, But It's OK", then we must accept that the converse is also true, ergo if it's not OK, it's right. Me FTW.
Some great comments on this post:
If I were a Women's Studies major, my thesis topic would be "The Fossil Watch As Sexual Currency on the Jersey Shore".