Samantha Irby’s reviews of Judge Mathis episodes are a national treasure:
#286:
… he lets her tell him that dana “often waits until i am impregnated” (shudder) “to attack [her] with her entourage” and i do not like the way she worded that at all.
… that’s not defamation, all she was doing was suggesting that you two work out your problems violently!
#284:
robert goes on to detail how he runs a bootcamp for children out of his home (haha yeah, me too brother, it’s called “go get me another diet coke from the refrigerator”) because when he was a teenager he was running the streets and his uncle snatched him up and put him to work “cutting grass and tearing up carpet.” and now, as an adult, he honors that legacy by tearing up the carpet of every one of his female friends.
#242:
greg turns to joeshie and asks what she thinks he shouldn’t be doing and she calmly replies “you shouldn’t be cheating on your wife with me”
“ma’am did he promise you he was going to leave his wife?” and joeshie says “no, because if he had i would’ve left him.”
greg, incredulous, is like “you were her sugar daddy! you just weren’t putting out enough sugar!!!!!!”
“sir!” bangs gavel “you gotta pay the cost to be the boss!
#238:
one of the dudes walked in on me without a shirt and while it was an extremely sexy experience for us both it was also incredibly awkward!!!!!!!!!”
#235:
“i have worked with a loooooooot of people and i am trying to think of a single one who’d be like “wow i love how much you get on my nerves for the eleven hours we’re paid to be together, why don’t you come crash on my couch and annoy me for the remaining hours in the day for free!!!!!” there are none! i’d have to become that person who secretly lives at their job!!!!!!!!!!”
#233:
he went to the doctor to get his plumbing checked out. robert asked the doctor “hey, what’s going on, dawg?” (please!) and the doctor told him, “man, you know what i’m saying you straight, you gucci” (PLEASE!!!!!!!!) “i mean hey, it’s on her.” is that an official diagnosis??? i’m screeching!
“when i’m with other women? i kick my game like the champ i am! real talk!!!!!” and i need you to know that the scream that erupted from the pit of my belly shattered every window in my house. am i………………………….deeply in love with this man??????????
wow where can i sign up for misandry mediation next time i get in a fight with a man???
… after a while it was just too much drama for her to keep seeing him (her words: god don’t bless no mess!) and she is a businesswoman with a business to run so she told him to get his ass on.
i had to take a break because the universe won’t stop testing me, god’s weariest lieutenant, and i am in a horrible mood so i had to listen to this talking heads jam seven times in a row to get right ok let’s move i’m back in the zone!!
#215:
i’m sorry but if you need to receive faxes at my crib??? we’re doing a little more than just “kicking it.” i could see the judge’s face change as david started down this fuckboy road (FEMINIST KING) and he’s like “there’s no way you brought a keyboard and a fax machine over to this lady’s house if you weren’t living with her!” i know david thinks that it was just his phone and sweatsocks that lived with toni but sorry pal this don’t work like that! outdated technologies make you a resident!!!
#194:
greg dusts off his perry mason costume to say, “aha! that means you believed him, which means he isn’t lying and you’re here on behalf of a thief!” what was that sound? oh yeah, that was my bottom jaw s h a t t e r i n g against the floor. what a thrilling and hilarious trap!!!!! i really do be forgetting sometimes that greg is a real live trained lawyer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i was disabused very early of the notion that i am in possession of good pussy but you know who does???????? ROCIO FROM GARDENA, CALIFORNIA. if a MAN gets a VASECTOMY on his day off just so he can keep HAVING SEX WITH YOU??? homegirl must have a bear trap between her fucking legs, MY GOODNESS.
i think getting a vasectomy so you can raw dog your dental hygienist is super romantic!