I can’t have sex and it is going to tear my new family apart:
It’s completely and utterly normal to live your day to day life never particularly thinking about sex.
(Note that how we are in the first months of a relationship doesn’t tell you anything about what your “normal” looks like. Things are heightened at the start.)
I also came to suggest “come as you are” by Emily nagoski. I see another commenter beat me to it.
She lists 2 types of desire:
Spontaneous desire looks like: ooh I’m in the mood for sex.
Responsive desire looks like: I didn’t think I was in the mood for sex but 5 minutes after you initiated I was totally into it.
Once you know this about yourself, and your partner knows this about you, it can massively change things.
It really helps if we understand that it’s ok for people to be built differently in this area - when everything around us (films, magazines, etc) says that we should all experience our “sex drive” in the same way, with the same amount of “being driven”.
Of course this doesn’t mean that it’s all on one partner to initiate and the other doesn’t try.
It means that you know yourself well enough to decide to initiate sex even though you’re not in the mood at that moment - because you trust yourself and your partner enough to know that after 5-10 mins you’ll be very in the mood.
An alternative approach - in the early days of my current relationship, I started a “score out of 10” approach to us figuring out each other’s sex drives, as we got used to each other.
I’d say “I’m 5/10 interested in sex, I think I’m picking up that you’re in the mood - are you?”
To which he might respond: “yep, I’m 9/10” or “nope, actually more like 2/10 right now”.
If one of us was a low score, sex didn’t happen.
If one of us was medium score and the other was 9/10 - sex generally happened because why not take advantage of that enthusiasm :-)
If we were both 5/10 then we probably wouldn’t bother unless it had been a few days since last time :-)
often my answer might be “currently 2/10 but I’m open to being persuaded”. Sometimes he’d take the enjoyable challenge, sometimes not - depending on his current level of interest :-)
But asking a more neutral question seemed to remove a lot of the rejection - didn’t need to actually initiate until you knew they were at least 5/10 :-)
Sex and intimacy problems on marriage:
Going through similar issues with my partner but in a smaller time frame. What has helped me so far is being very open with what i feel like i want and that it is hard right now then to get my executive function to work. From there we find comoromises that involve each other, examples are:
Takeing one partner out of the equation, me using toys/fingers or oral on her or the other way around.
Sensual massage with lots of erogenous zone attention without the goal of orgasm.
Straight up rediscover eachothers bodies by visual inspection and touch.
The biggest thing that has helped me to initiate is declaring intent. “Hey honey, i want intimacy tonight but am unsure if i can manage it. Can we masturbate/watch porn together?” Or “I want to work on keeping the flame alive, can we get naked and fiddle with each other without the goal of orgasm?”
It’s by no means any miracle fixes and i still go soft alot when the mind wanders. Reducing porn haven’t helped with the initiative issue for me but is has made it alot easier to stay in the moment with her.
We have nights scheduled together vs independent time each week- generally the same days week over week. Our independent nights we say good night after the kids and chores are done for the day and we do video games, reading, projects, etc. Nights together are usually TV, movie, etc. together. Those are nights we are ‘intimate’ but not to say scheduled sex. We make an effort to cuddle, talk about our relationship, etc.
From the perspective of someone who’s done it, with a partner who doesn’t have adhd: a schedule has me looking forward to it, instead of constantly worrying whether it would happen today and stressing about it. Everyday I would see undone chores and think “if partner tries to initiate today, I’ll won’t want until these chores are done and they’ll feel unloved. Or I’ll go along but only think of the chores and it’ll take me so damn long to get in the mood, if I do, and we’ll both feel bad” and instead I just spend the whole day stressing about whether my partner would initiate, stressing about the chores, and in the end be too stressed to have the energy and mood for any of the two.
Also” scheduling “ doesn’t mean you write it military time on the family calendar. It’s” let’s take time for us on Thursday! “ and that’s it for most people
I actually teach a sexuality class. Sex is not only impacted by daily life duties…it is also very impacted by self-esteem and body image. Women sometimes have issues with hyperfocusing on what they look like or what someone thinks about their techniques rather than fully being in the present moment.
One thing I noticed…OP, I see you use a lot of “should/must” statements about what you need to get done, which tend to increase stress. The problem here is that these statements tend to make us feel like we’re scolding ourselves, subconsciously, and they are judgments that are influenced by some societal standard/behavior that other people do. It makes you end up thinking that the consequences of not doing it are more severe than they actually would be…
Also, look into “sex scripting.” A lot of people follow a script of how sex is “supposed to go” (there’s a beginning, middle, and end; oral is “just foreplay,” penetration is “real sex”). This can really impact sex life. When couples are new, the novelty of the situation makes it more fun. But if you’re still following the same basic script (even if you change it up a little), it is pressuring.
People may see not orgasming as “unsuccessful sex” instead of acknowledging that sex acts don’t have to be weighted as more or less important than others. You can do nothing but oral, and that’s still sex. Even if it’s for a little while and there’s no orgasm. Try to not treat it as less valuable. Sometimes it helps couples to find a way to incorporate a verbal or visual cue of “satisfaction” other than just relying on orgasm. Taking the pressure off sex and just being exploratory and in-tune with each other really helps.
Some sexual issues are caused by anxiety. Anxiety is worry about the future…constantly calculating what-ifs in the mind and task management “I need to do this and that”
When on vacation, you are forced into the present and anxiety is gone and the to-do list shrinks or conpletely disappears. I believe this is why libido increased or at least was no longer inhibited.
You can reach this state at home through regular meditation. Studies showed 12 weeks of meditation shrunk brain activity in the amygdala.
Also, start being aware of those racing thoughts and try to shift your mind….you will improve with practice and find that you are in a calmer, more focused state.
Kinda like that “aaaahhhh” relief feeling when first getting away to a hotel or beach.
OP this is me to a T, my partner is super lovely about it. For me I don’t want to feel compelled/compulsed into finishing something that I’ve lost interest in, but also I’ve found that my sexual style is to have it wax and wane, rather than have a linear experience that leads up to an orgasm and then stops.
My experience:
One of us will often start masturbating and see if the other wants to join, no pressure. This often looks like one of sensing a “thwap thwap thwap” in the other room and coming and investigating what could possibly be going on in there, and asking if we can join. Then it feels like your role is to be a “fluffer” and you can bow out at any time because it was their solo experience to start with, and your presence is just a bonus. For me this really takes the pressure off and often leads to PIV sex that I feel like I can stop at any time without guilt, and my partner just whacks it if they want to cum.
Snack breaks.
Lots of toys and playing, not just “sex” sex. I got a vibrator that I fucking love and often will just vibe myself to victory +/- penis interaction. We do a lot of wrestling, growling, biting, laughing, tackling the other, which often doesnt lead to PIV sex, but it still feels super fun and intimate.
Find intimacy in other ways, like the above. My partner often just wants me to sit in their lap (clothed or not) and stroke their hair while making eye contact and telling them sweet things :)
Ask for reassurance and do it often, even if it feels silly. I’ll ask my partner “if we start having sex, it’s okay to stop it I’m not feeling it, right?” and they always say “yes, of course!” Even though this is something that’s already been established and feels obvious, it really helps me to ask for really frequent reassurance. I also have a sexual assault history in a former relationship so I will “practice” saying no and they’ll respect my boundaries as almost like a play/practice, and then I’ll say yes again - it’s a good reminder that I’m in control and that they honor and respect me.
Snack breaks? Snack breaks. Take a break mid-sex, you don’t have to restart, make some tea, take a shower, put your underwear back on, take it off again (or don’t.) Sex doesn’t have to be linear :) if your partner wants to cum, he can take care of that himself, and that’s totally okay! His testicles are not your responsibility.
Practice. You can practice initiating sex, and then stop if it becomes overwhelming. It’s okay, it’s just practice. There’s a zone for you in there somewhere where your anxiety/fight/flight/freeze kicks in - try to stop before you get there. Instead, see if you can get close to that line, and then stop, and ask for reassurance, space, or whatever you need. Do this as much as you need to. Practice leaning into desire and safety, and use curiosity about yourself and your reactions to explore them, while listening to your body and your boundaries. Your partner seems like he loves you a lot and I’m sure would be willing to engage in this :)
Process thru narratives that we learned in high school like “blue balling,” “not putting out,” etc etc. Those suck and are real influences in our adult sexuality.
Remember to masturbate! Just because you’re feeling sexual doesn’t mean you have to be sexual with him. You can have as much alone time as you want!
I didn’t read all the comments, so I’m sorry if I’m repeating something someone else said, but this really sounds like a combination of “too many steps” and performance anxiety. What I mean about “too many steps” is that people with ADHD tend to put off different procedural tasks, like laundry, showering, cleaning house, grocery shopping, etc. because of the overwhelm that comes with having to see a task through to completion once it is started. Even in the best relationships, sex can get to be a bit “routine” and once the initial “honeymoon” passion has died down, it can be difficult to get motivated to actually expend the energy (thinking about sex is a lot different than having sex in terms of energy output, which is limited and must be rationed). You mentioned that you don’t initiate because you feel like you have to follow through, which is a lot of pressure to put on yourself. The same would be true with him touching you in ways that you know are meant to illicit a specific response from you–there’s pressure to give the right response and guilt if you feel like you’re disappointing him. There wouldn’t be the same pressure with other people touching you because you’re not in a relationship with them, so you don’t have the same kind of care about how they’re feeling or the same mutual expectations regarding specific touches. I know you said you were new to medication, but sometimes medication can make it even harder to engage in sex or to climax.
You might try specifically focusing on some of the ways you both are used to signaling interest or initiating physical affection without actually progressing to sex. So, agree before hand that you’re only going to kiss or only going to a certain point. Try having him touch those areas that bother you in a non-sexual way. The idea is to desensitize and unprogram some of those automatic responses you’ve developed.
Besides the extra chemicals floating around when we have a new partner, there’s also this learning that happens. New partners try a wider variety of things together, to find what works. Over time, we tend to go straight for what’s worked in the past, but we don’t necessarily want the same thing all the time and our tastes can change. The lead-up starts getting shorter, so the more sensitive nerves may not be completely primed in the way that they are when it’s a slower build. But the big thing is that with a new partner, not every intimate touch leads to sex and when we’re together longer, there tends to be less of that exploratory touching without the complete expectation of sex and both finishing–thus performance anxiety at the first intimate touch.
I know this can be a struggle for those of us with chronic illnesses. Sometimes penetrative sex is too much effort or too painful. Other times, we just have little to no libido. I wanted to share some things I’ve learned over the years. Hopefully, you’ll find at least one of these tips helpful.
Shower together: If you are able, this is a great way to stay intimate. Have fun, wash each other’s backs, and just enjoy the company. It’s also great because my partner will help me wash my hair when it’s too hard to do. If I’m having a good day, I’ll have him sit on shower stool and wash his hair just because it’s soothing for him.
Cuddle naked: Skin to skin can be very important, and just laying next to each other can be comforting. Maybe run your hands over their body and caress them.
Massages: Massage each other. Use lotions or fun warming oils.
Foreplay: Have fun and learn what gets each other in the mood. Just enjoy the sexual intimacy. You can either help your partner finish afterward or they can masturbate on their own. Edit to add: Foreplay can mean different things to different people, but I define it as acts “before sex” (penetrative or otherwise). For example, maybe role-playing or stripping before any other sexual acts.
Mutal masturbation: If you still have a libido and want to enjoy things too, mutal masturbation is a good step. You can enjoy being intimate together, but you can also control how you feel and do things your way without hurting yourself.
Sexting: It may seem silly if your partner is just in the other room, but it can be fun and doesn’t require the physical strain of penetrative sex. Also, sending sexy pictures can give your partner good visuals for when they masturbate.
Sex toys: They can be for you, your partner, or both. Toys are very helpful when sex isn’t possible. There are also websites (can’t remember them off the top of my head) that create custom sex toys for those with physical disabilities. One thing you could do is gift your partner a sex toy for them to use on their own (shows you care about your partner being satisfied even if you aren’t able to help).
Edit: I’ve SheVibe has good (not customizable) sex toys for those with disabilities.
I know it can be frustrating having an able-bodied partner, especially if they have a high libido. It might feel like you’re letting them down or not satisfying them enough. Just remember, this is a two-way compromise, and there are still ways to stay intimate without penetrative sex. You and your partner need to sit down and talk about the reality of the situation. Talk about your limitations and boundaries and let them express theirs. Listen to their concerns and find solutions that fit your relationship. Chronic illnesses obviously don’t just go away, so everyone needs to be understanding of the situation.
Remember to let your partner know you find them attractive even if you don’t want sex (sometimes I stare at my partner when he’s getting dressed or getting out of the shower and call him sexy).
Also, be aware and understand that your partner will need to satisfy their libido on their own sometimes. Give them privacy and let them know it’s ok for them to masturbate on their own. Porn (as long as it’s in moderation and not an addiction) can be a helpful tool for many individuals. Just talk to your partner about your boundaries and let them know you understand their needs.
Also important to note: You can stop in the middle of sex (penetrative or otherwise) whenever you need to! You do not need to keep suffering just so your partner can finish. If you start feeling pain or are unwell and do not want to continue, stop and let your partner know that you are not ok. Maybe you just need a break, or maybe you just can’t continue that day. Either way, take care of yourself and communicate this with your partner. Do not feel guilty for needing to stop sex.
Hope this post helps
If you want to add any other suggestions, feel free to leave them in the comments!
Suggestion from my old post: “Try different mattresses.”
Mattress firmness can have an effect on stability and pain.
It has caused issues with my partner because, although he is incredibly understanding and patient, it eventually led to him feeling rejected and unloved and not initiating any more.
My tip has to be that you just have to make it a conscious thought to initiate. It doesn’t always have to lead to full on sexy time, it can be foreplay and just touchy stuff as well. Having conversations about your fantasies (it doesn’t have to be kinky it can literally just be fantasies of intercourse or kissing) really helped kind of make it easier for me to initiate. So if you have a day where you’re in a good mood and you think your partner is looking particularly nice, Maybe try to initiate something there? I’ve had to basically realise that I don’t get aroused unless we’re engaging in intimate time but a sign that I want to be intimate is when I look at my boyfriend and just admire how good he looks. So for me that admiration actually means I’m aroused but I’ve had to make that link myself because I never realised it before.
Overall though, you need to be having conversations with your partner. Like it will take multiple conversations, they won’t always be easy conversations and it has to be an ongoing effort from both of you.
The thing I would recommend the most is you need to do some reflection on why you can just exist without sexual intimacy. Sometimes the reason isn’t just as simple as out of sight out of mind. For me, I realised it had a lot to do with my past traumas and so I have almost become sex repulsed, although I’m not repulsed anymore since I’ve started trying to work on it.
Also, it’s possible you might not be feeling very romanced by your partner? At one point I realised my lack of sexual thought was tied to the fact that I felt my partner wasn’t attracted to me and I felt he wasn’t doing enough romantic things to make me feel very obviously desired. Like I knew he loves me but it felt like an afterthought because my love language is partially gifts and he had stopped buying me flowers etc. and he kept calling me cute instead of beautiful and so I felt very unattractive, as superficial as all of that may sound. So maybe there are some romantic things they could do to make you feel more desired.
But yeah my advice, summarised, would be: talk to your partner, reflect on why you feel the way you do, try and figure out if you have more subtle arousal cues and make that connection, and actively remind yourself to engage in some form of physical intimacy (again it doesnt have to be full on intercourse) every once in a while. Start slow and be patient with yourself, you can set a goal if you want of how often you would like to be intimate, if you do that start with a low goal first and build on it. I cannot stress enough the importance of discussing this with your partner though because they have to be actively working with you on this and supporting you or it will be harder for you to do.
Also, talking with your partner is very important to see what level of sexual intimacy they would be satisfied with. I was pressuring myself to engage in full on intercourse and making myself increasingly anxious until my boyfriend told me he would be very happy with just having foreplay with no full on sex involved. So knowing that can make things a whole lot easier because you can build on the smaller acts of sexual intimacy.
I very much have this problem, in fact, I feel like I have no sex drive at all. Yet, I also feel like my general need for stimulation and connection with people makes me… really want to have sex anyway. I want to be part of the kink community, I want to go to sex parties, I want to have sex with my wife. I want a super active sex life! I am a sex positive person without a lot of hangups about it!
Yet…. I also seem to mostly forget about it, not initiate, and often am not even sure what gets me interested. My wife and I recently hooked up with another couple… and I had a great time pleasuring someone new and exciting whose personality I like. I enjoyed every moment of it but… I wasn’t really turned on. My dick usually (but not always) works fine but wasn’t really in the game and working that night, or the next time we saw them either.
I feel like there is something I need that isn’t really there, like maybe I actually am demisexual or something? A sexualized asexual? I don’t know but it really isn’t an easy thing to explore sometimes.
I don’t really use porn, I go through phases where I masturbate regularly and when I really don’t. However, I really do get excited about going to sex positive events, even though seeing other people have sex doesn’t get me excited either. There is still something fun and stimulating about just being around it.
Amusingly our new friends also both have ADHD, and we have talked a bit about how we all have issues losing focus during sex. I found myself wondering if people without ADHD who engage in these kinds of activities have quite as many unrelated side conversations during the act?