This is a compilation of the best Chiefss comments from Drew Magary and others on Deadspin and Defector.
Why Your Team Sucks: Kansas City Chefs:
When I think of pointless American cities, my first stop is always in Missouri, with St. Louis and KC. Congratulations, you two. You are in NO danger of ever being killed by a terrorist with a suitcase nuke. Any terrorist worth his salt knows blowing up your city wouldn’t affect us one bit, and would probably serve to only improve our great nation. You’re right up there with the Buffalos and Indianapolises of the joint: faceless flyover towns chock full of fat people and TGI Fridays.
Remember the Chiefs offense of the Schottenheimer era? It was Marcus Allen getting 100 yards a game six inches at a time. It was like Chinese water torture, and this is when we were winning.
Why Your Team Sucks 2012: Kansas City Chiefs:
We need to stop the Chiefs from hoarding so many useless items from the Foxboro attic. Otherwise, two years from now, they’ll have signed Brian Hoyer and Kyle Arrington and Sammie Morris and Bill O’Brien and you’ll need people in Hazmat suits to come clean up the mess because it will reek of mold and fungus and barbecue sauce and REPUGNANT FUCKING FAILURE.
Why Your Team Sucks 2013: Kansas City Chiefs:
Alex Smith and Andy Reid are being hailed as franchise saviors. Can’t wait until Alex decides the best way to lead a 2:00 drill is to throw 3-yard hooks to a tight end while Andy stares at the goddamn play sheet like it’s a Chinese takeout menu.
For whatever reason, the only other Chiefs fans I’ve ever met have been at poker tables.
Nothing screams “inferiority complex” like thousands of chubby-faced, rosy-cheeked mid-westerners donning the ketchup and mustard and cramming their faces full of ribs at 10am on a Sunday and then bragging about the greatest tailgate in the country. It’s a parking lot in the middle of nowhere. People bring coolers and barbecue grills to a desolate field and act like they’ve reinvented the kegger. You know what would be more fun? Going to a bar, walking to the stadium at game time, and then leaving and going to another fucking bar. But we can’t do that because the Chiefs conned KC taxpayers into spending $600 million polishing their turd in Independence.
The upgrade from Romeo Crennell to Andy Reid is like opting for an upgrade to first class in your flight to Des Moines, Iowa.
Being a Chiefs fan is like being the guy who always asks out the hottest girl in school/at the club: we know we probably don’t have a shot, and get shot down in flames every time, but boy will we enjoy it if we ever do get lucky.
The tailgating experience has a real District 9ish feel to it now. Only instead of being inhabited by degenerate crustacean refugees, the parking lot is full of the genetic consequence of allowing the two worst states in the union to fuck each other in the mud for 160+ years.
While most of us were hoping we’d get a flashy young QB like Geno Smith, we do the Chiefiest thing we can do and trade for his white half-brother. A guy who happens to have a worse career QB rating than Matt Cassel.
Why Your Team Sucks 2014: Kansas City Chiefs:
This team was up 38-10 over the Colts with just over 13 minutes to go in the third quarter. After that, a giant chasm opened up in the space-time continuum and Andrew Luck was granted Santa Claus powers. Seriously, he had FOREVER to come back. Every time five minutes ticked off the clock in that game, 10 additional minutes were added to it. And to cap it all off, everyone for the Chiefs got hurt: Jamaal Charles, Brandon Flowers, the bus driver, EVERYONE. By the time the comeback was finished, the Chiefs had nothing but Alex Smith and a bag of old onions left. Cyrus Gray could have stopped the bleeding by catching a sure touchdown, but he dropped it because that is what happens when you put the Chiefs in the playoffs.
Yes, 31 teams end the season on a bad note, but the Chiefs take that extra step to numb your heart and soul into non-existence and you slowly lose the ability to not just love, but to not even trust people at a basic human level.
Arrowhead Stadium is always full of the most white trash, stuck in the 90s, I’m-probably-gonna-beat-my-kids-if-the-Chiefs-lose-this-game people from the shitty parts of the KC metro (basically the Missouri side). These assholes wear Zubaz pants because they think it’s still socially acceptable. It was never socially acceptable.
Why Your Team Sucks 2015: Kansas City Chiefs:
Andy Reid and Alex Smith have conspired to devise the least threatening NFL offense of all time. You don’t even have to do anything to stop them, defensively. You just give them their two yards every play, and watch them walk off the field oddly satisfied with their handiwork.
I can’t stop harping on the fact that this team has discovered some form of offensive anti-matter.
No wonder Husain Abdullah prays when he scores: it’s a damn miracle. I also understand why the refs penalized him for dropping to his knees after the fact. They were so stunned by the fact that the Chiefs scored that they didn’t know quite how to react. THEY SCORED! THEY MUST HAVE DONE SOMETHING ILLEGAL!
The most redeeming quality about our coach is that he could probably eat another coach if provoked.
When the Chiefs blew that 28-point lead in the second half of the Wild Card game versus the Colts a couple of years ago, my friend, who I was watching the game with, would periodically look at me out of the corner of his eye from the other couch. Never once to make fun of me, but to see the EXACT moment when he knew he should leave. I curled up under a blanket and pulled it up to my chin with about three minutes left in the game. They lost. He got up, silent, didn’t say a single word to me as he left. No contact at all until three weeks later when he texted me, “God, I am so fucking sorry.”
FUN FACT: The Chiefs are tied for first for having the most players who died during their playing career.
There have been more deaths in our stadium’s parking lot during my lifetime than Chiefs playoff wins.
Why Your Team Sucks 2016: Kansas City Chiefs:
Brad Childress is still lurking in the press box, ready to fuck you blind the moment you come within arm’s reach of success.
Paris of the Plains, my ass. Your city is nothing but a collection of methheads waiting to happen. You guys should get down on your knees and thank Christ that you share a state with St. Louis, otherwise the rest of the world would focus on YOUR trashiness. At its best, Kansas City is average. At its worst, it does literal harm to the country.
This is a place known for shit that you can get in many other places: barbecue, jazz, forged Oxycontin prescriptions, etc. It has nothing to call its own, really. Our own Jordan Sargent said the BBQ there tastes like coagulated motor oil (GET HIM). Marchman says they just scrape the gunk off a bottle of Heinz, put it on fat, and claim it’s “the real BBQ.” (GET HIM, TOO). Everything in KC is a second-rate version of something else. It claims it’s a big jazz hotbed because Count Basie played there almost 100 years ago before he saved up enough money to go to a real city. Every year, Yankees announcer and raging idiot Michael Kay schedules his time off for when the Yankees are on the road against the Royals, just so he doesn’t have to go to Kansas City. It’s a running joke in the booth.
The point is that Kansas City sucks and there’s no reason to ever go there.
These thoughts will lead to secret candlelit meetings where we regale the Bills, Titans and the other NFL Have-Nots with tales of seeing your stadium with its lights on and the pride a team can take when Inside the NFL actually mentions your game.
The dissent will spread through our Small Market Shanty Town. Adults will scroll Joe Buck’s name in the dirt floor of our hovels so young ones can take turns spitting on it. We will whistle the Hunger Games jingle to the Jags as we pass each other in the fields. An air of confidence that we haven’t experienced in decades will take hold. Pitchforks will be sharpened, crude armor fashioned. Plans to storm the gates and seize the means of productions will be agreed upon with the Raiders and the Bucs.
Then, on a chill clear morning, Jerry’s choppers will descend from the skies. Legions of Storm Troopers will round us into the town square. The Chiefs will be selected as the leader from the crowd and thrown in the mud before Darth Ginger. He has heard of our plans, and will offer a deal to spare our women and children. We only have to kiss the NFC East emblem on his ring. A cruel smile creeps onto his face.
After being scourged, flayed and castrated, the Chiefs will have the honor of being hanged in front of our brothers in rebellion. Solemn tears of admiration will stream down their faces as our body goes limp. Without delay they will be pistol-whipped towards the woods where a freshly dug grave awaits them.
The Chiefs won their first playoff game in 22 years(!), in a game that was actually pretty boring. Then, the next playoff game against the Patriots, you could’ve timed our 2-minute drill with sundial. Seriously, what the fuck? I’d heard all the clock management warnings from Philadelphia fans, but I didn’t listen. After the Chiefs lost in the playoffs I spent the rest of the off-season alienating all of my non-KC friends with my bitter, hostile, Al-Jazeera/Peyton Manning truthering.
The Chiefs sucking provided a platform for Jason Whitlock to groom his bad take skills for many, many years. I used to work for a Kansas City comedy club, and one night Whitlock rolls in with a group of friends. He gets the front-row VIP booth like a baller. Who’s he there to see???….Dustin Diamond. Fuckin’ Screech, man.
Clark Hunt has the same haircut as a Lego man.
Why Your Team Sucks 2017: Kansas City Chiefs:
He is, at this point in his career, the ideal quarterback for when you don’t want your quarterback to do anything at all. He’s not a game manager. “Manager” implies someone who does things. Managers file reports and stuff! No no, Alex Smith is more of a vestigial side dish to any football game. He’s the little paper cup of coleslaw that comes with every order. He’s pleasantly worthless.
As for Kansas City itself, it is at the very nexus of America’s methamphetamine and Intelligent Design industries. Like the Chiefs come playoff time, people in both Missouri and Kansas are very, very good at deploying ignorance to hurt themselves.
Since Andy Reid took over in 2013, I have gone to a really good local BBQ joint (Jack Stack) probably half a dozen times. Sometimes for a nice dinner on a Friday night with my wife and the visiting in-laws. Sometimes for a mid-week work lunch with a friend. Sometimes during the season, sometimes during the off-season. I have seen Andy Reid at the restaurant EVERY. GODDAMN. TIME.
I’m now all-in on Patrick Mahomes, who is a less-talented Johnny Manziel without the legal issues. I’m just desperate for a QB who isn’t some 49ers cast-off who throws for 6 yards per attempt. I’m worried, though - based on his Instagram feed he has already blown through his bonus and base salary at the TopGolf in Overland Park.
Alex Smith is the human manifestation of mayonnaise and white rice.
Talk to any person in the world about Kansas City and they all will invariably talk about the “great” barbeque. Except in reality the barbeque is completely average and everyone knows it. It tastes the same as anywhere else, only you have to wait in half hour lines in buildings with no AC, a fly infestation, and a laundry list of health code violations in order to eat it.
The fans are convinced the tailgate scene is uniquely AwEsOmE experience. They take pride in taking the tailgate as seriously as they take the game which is really sad since there is absolutely nothing special about a Chiefs tailgate. Oh people prepare delicious finger foods, grill an assortment of meats, and drink alcohol?? I’ve been to a rowdier tailgate for a college hockey game that was held in a neutral site city at an NFL stadium. Anyone who went to a college with a D-1 football team knows that a Chiefs tailgate is run of the mill at best which indicates that the majority the fan base didn’t go to college.
I live with 4 roommates (growing up quickly in my late 20’s):
Brent has a Dustin Colquitt (punter) jersey and truly believes he’s the best player on our team (hard to argue with).
Brett is on Alex Smith’s dick so deep that he thinks the Chiefs are a shoe-in for the Super Bowl.
Kevon is a Rams migrant who won’t stop saying that Alex Smith will win the MVP.
Maggie doesn’t know anything about the Chiefs but has season tickets so she can get blacked out at Arrowhead on Sunday mornings.
Maggie is by far the most intelligent Chiefs fan in our house.
With Marty, the defense was awesome but our quarterback was always some Ghirardelli-stained shitbag fished out of a San Francisco sewer.
Here’s some stupid shit I’ve seen at Arrowhead:
-People smoking cigarettes at their seat. This happens all the time. And whenever one of the guest services people tells them to stop, they all get indignant and act like they didn’t know that it was against the rules.
-Two guys with Marcus Allen jerseys tucked into their jeans refused to sit down after I told them my grandma couldn’t see. No one else in our section was standing. Later on, one of the guys tried to kiss the woman sitting next to him. She had already told him several times that she was married and not interested. He was asked to leave but his buddy stayed. The Chiefs lost to Miami, 31-3.
-A dude losing his shit because the Chiefs had just lost a PRESEASON game. When his friend pointed out that the game didn’t mean anything, the dude punched his friend in the face.
-A woman in a Louie Aguiar jersey called my mom a bitch for no reason.
I have to stop because I’m getting too depressed and angry. If the Department of Child & Family Services came today and took my daughter away for forcing this franchise on her, I would understand.
Why Your Team Sucks 2018: Kansas City Chiefs:
Chiefs fans have all the heart disease of Packers fans and none of the rings.
Chiefs fans are some of the biggest hypocrites in the NFL today. We end the national anthem by mooing “CHIEFS!” instead of saying “brave,” but bitch a fit if the players peacefully protest by committing such a traitorous & heinous act of checks notes going down to a knee. Having seen the fans run Marcus Peters out of town, to Clark Hunt’s conservative glee, I’m only now coming to the realization that Kansas City is a festering pile of Trumpian values, slathered in locally-made barbeque sauce. They traded one of the best CBs in the league, a turnover-causing machine, for jack shit! All because he’s a young black man with checks notes again an overconfidence problem. Worse yet, racist construction workers with balding mullets are all-of-a-sudden infatuated with Patrick Mahomes & are trying to find a way to appropriate his hairstyle! Leave the kid alone and let him audition for the rest of the NFL in peace, ‘cause you know this front office won’t sign him long-term.
The concept of being good on BOTH sides of the ball is as foreign as Carolina bbq.
A few years back a tailgate full of rednecks had hardcore porn playing on a giant flat screen TV in the back of their pickup truck while I was waiting in line for a porto-potty, and those dipshits saw my puzzled expression and acted like I was the asshole.
At a home game a couple years ago I was standing in line for a port a potty behind this crusty 60-year-old man decked out in Chiefs gear. Out of nowhere he points to an interracial couple walking by and tells me that it makes him sick. He had every expectation that I would high five and agree with him.
Andy Reid manages the clock as if the league only lets him have a sundial. Not content to suck at football coaching, he also waded into politics and publicly endorsed the reelection of Kansas Governor Jeff Colyer, who is Montgomery Burns only less generous to children.
Know why Arrowhead is the loudest stadium on earth? Because every single Chiefs fan is literally filled to the brim with middle class resentment. It’s an entire stadium packed asses to cankles with people who resonated with the ending of Great Gatsby, but lack the intellectual fortitude to understand why.
In college, my roommates and I watched the Chiefs get smoked by the Bills 41-7 on the season opener, which coincided with the 10-year anniversary of September 11th. After the game ended, we flipped it to some of anniversary coverage and my roommate moaned, “Ugh today is the worst September 11th ever.”
This isn’t even in the top 5 worst things I’ve heard Chiefs fans say at Arrowhead.
Nothing can compare to what happened to me during the Steelers playoff game. I was attending with a buddy, and we were both excited but not optimistic, having experienced too much Chiefs-ing to have any hope left but false hope. In the second quarter, Eric Berry intercepted a Ben Roethlisberger pass. The crowd starts chanting “Berry, Berry, Berry.” I say casually to my buddy that while the scoop was nice, “Frank Zombo really made the play with his tip at the line.” Mr. Meth-mouth sitting in the row in front of us turns around and yells “Zombo!” and raises his hand. So being a decent human being I return the favor and we high five. At the moment our gloved hands touch he proceeds to shout “WHITE POWER.”
Why Your Team Sucks 2019: Kansas City Chiefs:
And so watching any Chiefs game is like making a second moral compromise on top of the one you already made to watch football in the first place. “Wow hey, these guys are EXCITING! Too bad half of them would punch my grandma in the face!”
The Chiefs let key pass rushers and/or offside penalty enthusiasts Dee Ford and Justin Houston walk.
A large portion of fans who sit in the upper deck of the stadium are racist Trump supporters who hated Marcus Peters because he didn’t stand for the National Anthem. Mind you, these are the same people yelling for TYREEK! every time he catches a punt.
Half the city eats so much BBQ that they bleed molasses and Boulevard Wheat.
Your average Chief fan drinks like they are bringing back prohibition tomorrow during tailgates.
I told my best friend before the start of last season that, “The Chiefs are winning the Super Bowl this year, because they’ve run out of ways to lose a playoff game.”
Chiefs fans: Apparently we don’t know that PornHub exists.
PS: The tomahawk chop is so fucking racist and they just built a new section in the stands specifically for the drum so we can be more fancily racist.
I spent the entire off-season watching Chiefs fans throw themselves in front of a bullet for Tyreek Hill more or less every day on social media, and it was hard not to be disgusted by the sight. I know Chiefs fans are far from unique in that regard, and the entire situation with Hill was so scrambled and unpleasant that it would have been reasonable to just throw up your hands and say, “Look, I have no idea what happened there.” But nope, that wasn’t enough - Chiefs fans had to adopt “Hey, sometimes bitches lie” as their unofficial motto and question the horrifying crime Hill pleaded guilty to in college (Chiefs fans are now very concerned about racial inequities in the criminal justice system, you know). Just so we’re clear on the hierarchy of sins here: Marcus Peters? Loathsome thug. Tyreek Hill? Poor, innocent, maligned victim of a sensationalist media.
Why Your Team Sucks 2020: Kansas City Chiefs:
Your quarterback: Patrick Mahomes, who just signed a 45-year, multi-suite contract extension so intricate that somehow everyone involved got a raw deal out of it.
I know a scheduled delivery of pain when I see it.
I knew in advance that certain teams like the Chiefs would have fans in attendance to begin the season but I wasn’t really prepared for what it would be like to see it with my own eyes. And the rona shakes were merely one part of the horror. Somehow there was a worse part to it all, which is that the Chiefs put a welcome mat out for all rona truthers within a 50-mile radius to come to their games. These reduced crowds are like panning for racists. Like you filtered a normal crowd through a sieve so that you only got Missouri Wahlbergs.
So this is what I’m looking at all season long: the NFL making transparently empty gestures against racism in front of the MOST racist possible audience. And there’s no shortage of fucksticks lining the Kansas/Missouri border. I know Chiefs fans have been through a lot, but they don’t deserve this team. This team should be playing in, like, New Zealand. They shouldn’t be forced to play their trade in front of a bunch of burnt-end addicts all drooling rona into each other’s chili.
Do the Chiefs care that their fans are hayseeds with terminal perspiration disorder? LOL nope. Did those same fans INSTANTLY disregard the supposed new guidelines in place to keep them from being racist? You know they did. You heard it with your own ears, well before kickoff.
Ethically speaking, the Chiefs are Washington now. It’s quite an Xbox Live achievement to get outflanked by Daniel Snyder on something like this, but you Chiefs fans had the Great Plains tenacity to pull it off. You deserve none of this. You deserve to go the same route the WFT did: fucking up year after year after year in a futile chase to restore glory that you never deserved to begin with. You fucking sicken me. I wish The Joker had flown balloons filled with nerve gas over Arrowhead last week and emptied them out. Then the rest of us would have been protected from that Sturgis rally of a crowd bleeding back into the population. You are a mold upon humanity. No wonder Laurent Duvernay-Tardif opted out. It’s safer being around established rona patients than being around you shitstains. Fuck the Chiefs. Fuck the stupid chop. Fuck the Hunt family. Fuck Tyreek. Fuck Andy’s queso visor. Fuck Kansas City on BOTH sides of the river. And fuck Josh Hawley with a patio umbrella.
White people in Kansas City fall into two distinct categories:
Overtly racist Northland drunks who think downtown KC is like the stock footage of New York City in 80s movies when it’s actually a gentrified, tacky bar district void of any discernible culture whatsoever. They’re too chickenshit to leave the suburbs, so they carry a loaded gun on them anytime they go south of the river, yet posture as the toughest guys on the planet while getting in chest-bump fights at Buffalo Wild Wings anytime someone mentions KU or Mizzou sports (they didn’t attend either school).
Hip, woke registered Democrats who live in historically redlined south KC and gleefully post a BLM sign in their yards, but will quietly vote against any measures to integrate their lily-white schools. Their only Black friend is actually their coworker and they’ll be sure to include that person in every Instagram photo from their weekend gender reveal party.
Want to go to a Chiefs game? Gas up the car because the stadium is a thousand miles away from the fun part of the city, deep in the MAGAphetamine capital of America. If you’re one of the twelve people who decides to be safe and not drive blackout drunk after the game, good luck getting your Uber to pick you up within three miles of the stadium.
Plan on going anywhere in Kansas City after the game? Don’t even glance at a cop car or you’ll get pepper-sprayed by an illiterate, aggro, sentient goatee in wraparound Oakleys. They’ll plant an empty water bottle on you and call it a weapon, charge you with a felony, and then play victim on their whiny KC police Twitter account.
Every college and university in Missouri and Kansas is just a factory churning out warm bodies for the two major employers in town–Enterprise Rent-a-Car and a gigantic medical technology company that sold shitty software to the VA. My dumb ass worked for both of them.
I want KC to change their name because it’s dumb to use people as a mascot, but also because you can tell just how racist someone is by how mad they get about the name change.
Why Your Team Sucks 2021: Kansas City Chiefs:
Ah but it gets better. Old Man Hunt also believed he would live to be over 167 years old (he would end up falling short by 82 years), worshipped both Joe McCarthy and George Wallace, wanted to deport all black Americans back to Africa, donated generously to the John Birch Society, and may have been implicated in the Kennedy assassination.
The most exciting team in the league with the loudest stadium in the league is going to play in front of zero fans this season because the entire state either has COVID or is locked up for storming the Capitol.
Frank Clark is an absolute piece of shit who we traded a first-rounder for AND paid a fuckton of money for so that he could drive around Los Angeles with a car full of SMGs like he’s hunting Sarah Connor.
Why Your Team Sucks 2022: Kansas City Chiefs:
… they blew a game to the Chargers so badly that the Chargers’ white head coach felt free to call his own white QB a “gangsta” after the fact…
I implied up above that adult Chiefs fans have an earned streak of fatalism, but I already know that requires a fact-check. I’ve seen you people. You guys are like Packers fans, only you know how to cook. Your presumptuousness is more deafening than your farts. You think that, just because you have Mahomes, and just because Mahomes has a reasonable contract, that everything is gonna be all right in the end. So you crowd into Arrowhead, leaving hoofprints everywhere you go and smelling of B.O. and paprika, and then you do your little Tomahawk Chop and watch, in growing horror, as you get outflanked by fucking Zac Taylor with everything on the line. Your future seemed so bright once, didn’t it? Football-wise, that is. Personally speaking, the lot of you have about as much potential as a dead professional wrestler. But at least the Chiefs once had a second ring and the promise of more. The only thing they have to promise you now? Anguish. Put that in your Traeger and smoke it.
It’s terrifying the amount of backwoods Missouri Ozark dwellers and snobby KU trust fund brats who defend Jackson’s and Patrick’s baby mama’s antics despite them being the two worst people on the planet.
The Chiefs have a divided fan base of African Americans who live in K.C. and Trumpy as Hell whites who live in the suburbs and eastern Kansas. And all of them do the Tomahawk Chop. When you challenge any Chiefs fans online about the Chop, the constant excuse is, “But the team, unlike others, works with our local tribes.”
My husband didn’t want me breaking into our wedding Chianti during the second half of the AFC Championship game for some reason, so the only alcohol available to me was fucking peach Schnapps. I mixed it with Sprite and mindlessly guzzled it each time Mahomes went on those scrambles that took more time and had less clear purpose than my cat’s zooms to nowhere, then I tore up paper from the recycle bin to try to manage my stress.
Why Your Team Sucks 2023: Kansas City Chiefs:
Andy Reid has never had a team featured on Hard Knocks, which is the highest form of power a coach can attain. Bill Belichick, John Harbaugh, Kyle Shanahan, Sean Payton, Mike Tomlin, and Pete Carroll have also avoided it, suggesting that the fast track to the Hall of Fame includes not taking meetings with anyone from HBO. There’s a lesson in that for us all.
My team sucks because of me…and of course, our bank-robbing superfans.
The fans are so deeply shitty. I will devote entire days to getting ready for a game and then watching it, but I will never go to a game at Camarohead again. The fans are a bunch of raging, racist, drunken, feculent dickholes.
My former boss invented a cocktail he called “The Big Buffalo,” specifically for tailgating at Chiefs games when it’s cold. Two shots each of Irish Creme, Creme de Menthe, and Wild Turkey, served over ice. In its combination of grossness and self-destruction, it’s symbolically perfect drink for Chiefs fans. I can easily imagine Andy Reid chugging one.
Why Your Team Sucks 2024: Kansas City Chiefs
Your coach: Andy Reid, who’s as good at playcalling as he is terrible at parenting.
Butker remains one of the most reliable kickers in the league. He probably chains his wife to the stove before leaving the house every morning.
You don’t deserve this team, Chiefs fans. You more than deserve all of the crimes your team commits, and all of the abortion procedures your kicker will break up with his underground vigilante gang. But good football? Multiple rings? No, you don’t deserve any of that. If you love this team, you’re the type of shithead who drives an F-950, has 200 chain store credit cards in your dresser because you just couldn’t resist getting 10 percent off your first purchase, and will set off on a quest to make the Kelce brothers’ podcast more popular than Joe Rogan’s. You’re a terrible person who roots for a team that employs terrible people. And that’s how you’ll die.
Rashee Rice found a way to boost his speed this offseason. Separation still leaves a lot to be desired though.
Every year the Chiefs win one Super Bowl and in exchange introduce 3-5 people who are weird/annoying/criminals that I have to tolerate. I can no longer keep them all straight. Did Taylor Swift tell women to stay in the kitchen, and then break her kid’s arm? That sounds right. By 2030, this team is going to be made up exclusively of faith healers and serial arsonists, and I’m still going to tell myself that the haters are just jealous of our success.
It’s wild that bringing in Swifties has doubled the collective IQ of our fanbase and halved our cholesterol.
But what truly separates the Chiefs in terms of total suckage is the pure, traditional family values Midwest racism. The Sunday experience in Kansas City almost doubles as a Trump rally. They still beat what passes for a ceremonial Native American war drum before every home game. Herculean efforts to discourage the tomahawk chop (a sacred ritual and chant dating back all the way to… the 1990s, when the team regularly won two games a year) ring hollow when the team cheerleaders literally lead the chant during the pregame drum beating. Fans would rather see the team move to Guam than change the name.
As a lifelong Chiefs fan who has lived in Chicago for almost 20 years, I thought it would be fun to go to the Bears/Chiefs game, to show my Chicago friends the wonder that is ample space for tailgating and some team-sanctioned racism. Boy, it did not disappoint. The tailgate scene was huge and produced enough large truck emissions to cause all the heat deaths in Arizona this summer, and there were too many “Trump 2024 - No More Bullshit” flags to count. One of the 50-something fans in the second row, who was wearing a 69 jersey and Mardi Gras beads, hit on the 15-year old in front of us more than once.