I agree with everything in this post.
I Will Fucking Dropkick You If You Use That Spreadsheet:
But that is a mere sane engineer, the first to die in the revolution, and when you have seen enough of what happens when you yield to this blatant cowardice, you move beyond mere sanity, into righteous logic so cold that it burns like fire. I tell you now, if you suggest that we put that spreadsheet anywhere near any process, no force on this planet will save you from me.
You don’t have to live like this. I’ve gotten through my whole career without understanding how to use VLOOKUP. It’s possible, I swear. Just put the spreadsheet down and we can work with databases. Do you remember databases, and possibly happiness?
I will kill ten sharks with my bare hands if it means that I can draw even a drop of your blood. If you make me manually map unnamed_column_1 to 50 to fields in a database again, then you have initiated violence against me, and the horror that ensues will be self-defense.
My sins will echo for eternity, and I will be damned if I let anyone else get away with what I have. I will send you straight to hell and meet you there.