This is a compilation of the best Jaguars comments from Drew Magary and others on Deadspin and Defector.

Why Your Team Sucks 2013: Jacksonville Jaguars:

Interest in the Jaguars is wholly subsidized by the existence of fantasy football. They’re like corn, only corn is occasionally useful.

Why Your Team Sucks 2014: Jacksonville Jaguars:

When the Jaguars are shitty, they put intense preparation and care into it. Their shittiness is the residue of design.

The new helmets still look like an alien’s receding hairline.

Why Your Team Sucks 2015: Jacksonville Jaguars:

I assume the pool at Everbank has been treated with non-fluoridated water, to preserve all the precious bodily fluids contained therein.

That is the current state of the Jaguars right now. Bereft of a talented roster or sentient fans, they exist mainly to serve as the NFL’s lab rat. We’ll put them in London! We’ll put them on the Internet! We’ll make them the first helmet-less team! We’ll inject them with liquid uranium! We’ll replace all their players with cyborg apes! If there is a shitty idea to be had, rest assured that Roger Goodell will run it through the Jacksonville test kitchen first to keep all the other, useful franchises safe from harm. The Jaguars are NOT FDA-approved.

Jacksonville mandates that all skill position players have a DUI arrest on their record. You’re not a true Jag without one.

Jacksonville is where you go when you have given up on life and feel like wading into a public pool wearing your sweatshirt.

When I read about Fowler’s injury, I calmly and subtly nodded in agreement with the universe and whispered, “That’s right.” What is dead may never die.

There is more camo gear at a Jaguars game than there is in Iraq. Everbank Stadium is a redneck military base.

Being a Jaguars fan is like living with herpes; you don’t want anyone to know about it and you hate yourself everyday for contracting it.

Why Your Team Sucks 2016: Jacksonville Jaguars:

Jalen Ramsey was a Jaguar for all of three seconds before God reached into his knee and shredded his meniscus by hand.

Jacksonville is more than just a forgettable location. It is grotesque pockmark on the American landscape that reeks 24/7 of failing paper mills and Maxwell House coffee. I’m not exaggerating. It’s the worst of our potential. Look at the extraordinary dek from this article about the city’s wide-ranging stench: Central Florida papers once described Jacksonville as an industrial city that sweats, and pretty much smells that way. This is a city that could use a shot of municipal-strength deodorant. On the other hand, local advocates countered that the city’s rotten egg stench was the “smell of money”.

The key moments in franchise history: 1) The 1996 playoff win in Denver 2) The time the mascot lit his head on fire 3) The Steal The Show lady and her beach house in Miami 4) The 1999 playoff win over Miami 5) The 2007 playoff win over Pittsburgh 6) Getting swimming pools in the stadium 7) Drafting Jalen Ramsey and Myles Jack 8) The WTF fan during the Titans game gif

As if to make up for the fact that the team has so few fans, the existing Jaguars Twitter is a crew of angry neckbeards who literally have twitter columns set up with the words “Jags” and “blackout” and then incessantly attack people who try to make dumb jokes.

Why Your Team Sucks 2017: Jacksonville Jaguars:

In Jacksonville, they don’t fire you so much as grudgingly admit that they never should have hired you to begin with

Congrats! You should hope the Jags play as hard as Marrone played himself.

No, that is fucking Oliver Wendell Holmes judgment compared to the fact that our owner is a foreign born Muslim-American who supported Trump, then was SURPRISED that Trump actually meant all that shit about banning Muslims. Being a Muslim-American is a lot like being a Jaguars fan. For an immigrant group/expansion franchise we’ve been decently successful in America/the NFL, but every time you want to cozy up to the establishment you get abruptly cast as a disease on this country and/or sent to London.

I hope they bury my bones below the intersection of I-95 and I-10 because at least I’d be on the road to a place that makes people happy.

Why Your Team Sucks 2018: Jacksonville Jaguars:

… there’s no clearer sign that the league as a whole is ailing than when the Jacksonville Jaguars achieve any level of prominence. Their victories exist as a condemnation of both the teams they’ve beaten AND the NFL itself.

… everything good about Bortles is surprising, because he himself is bad.

Paying Andrew Norwell that much money is like hiring the Queen’s Guard to patrol an empty house.

Listen man, I’m not gonna concoct a better metaphor for Jacksonville than Duval losers gathering in 90-degree heat to jump into wading pools of mayonnaise for free. No need for me to debase Jacksonville when everyone there is MORE than willing to do it to themselves. Jacksonville is so trashy even the rest of the Confederacy would prefer not to be associated with it. Every other bloodneck Southerner looks at this area and is like NO THANK YEW! ‘ROUND HERE WE LIKE OUR BISKITS FIRM THANK YEW. Everything about this town is predictable and embarrassing. Stay in Jacksonville long enough and the arid stench of failure WILL get to you.

I watched the Steelers game at a BWW and was sitting next to a Steelers fan the entire time. The only thing I could think the entire time is “I have no way to talk to you about this game or anything playoff related because this is completely foreign to me.”

What a time to be alive! My beloved moribund Jaguars somehow managed to erase ten years of irrelevance and shame by convincing our tyrannical grandpa and drunk uncle to come back home and take care of us.

The Jaguars reached for new exciting heights last season only to fall flat numerous times throughout the season to inferior teams because we are tapioca-turd flavored pudding and our coaches have the spinal fortitude of a dachshund.

Why Your Team Sucks 2019: Jacksonville Jaguars:

Look, I’m grasping at straws here. The Jags could sign LeBron to play tight end and I’d still have to stick a hairbrush up my ass to feel anything when discussing them. I should just write the rest of this post while high, but already know it would be a waste of weed.

Telvin Smith, age 28, decided to stop playing out of the blue. That’s the Jags for you. They bring out the fight-or-flight response in everyone involved. Literally the only interesting thing about the Jaguars is that a purposely stupid fictional sitcom character is a fan of them.

Our defense went from paramilitary death squad to US men’s national soccer team in less than one calendar year. Hating ass Jalen Ramsey is “exposed” every time he gives up two catches for 26 yards according to the football media. Our front office is at open war with our best offensive player, who coincidentally is our worst offensive player by many advanced metrics.

It gives me no pride to say that we are the Bills fans of the south. Even London doesn’t like us. Imagine a culture that enslaved most of the known world, eats cold beans for breakfast, and can’t even properly execute its own political and economic suicide pact thinking that they are too good for your 90s expansion franchise.

As a brown person I can say we have all been told at some point to “Go back where you came from” but there’s no fucking way I’m ever going back to Jacksonville.

A year later, I attended the Jags-Ravens game at M&T Bank in which Ravens fans didn’t even give me shit, they were merely perplexed of the existence of Jags fans outside of the armpit of America which is Jacksonville, Florida. One guy asked me for my autograph cause I was the first Jags fan he’d ever met.

I won my fantasy football league last season with the second fewest cumulative points. I’ve wondered many times what kind of satanic deal I made to let that happen, and I finally decided that the price was having hope in the Jaguars. On some dark, stormy night I don’t remember, Doug Marrone, wreathed in flame and eyes glowing, looked at me and said “A day will come when you think yourself safe and happy… And suddenly your joy will turn to ashes in your mouth, and you’ll know the debt is paid.”

Why Your Team Sucks 2020: Jacksonville Jaguars:

Ramsey was traded to the Rams a month later. That’ll learn him good. SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT PLAYING IN SUNNY LOS ANGELES INSTEAD OF A RACE WAR BOG THAT EVEN REPUBLICANS WON’T THROW A PARTY IN.

And ever since they blew the AFC title game to the Pats in 2018, the Jags have modeled themselves after Major League Baseball in having a never-ending reservoir of contempt toward the idea of self-improvement. This isn’t a tank job, because tanking implies purposeful failure as a means to future success. There’s no success in what the Jags are planning. There is only poop. Marrone is one of those Football Men who loves the game so much that he HATES his own players for ruining his vision of it.

Just thinking about this team is an exercise in PAIN. Not only do they reside in the dumbest state in America, but in the dumbest part OF that state. This city is idiot concentrate, which is why the Jags can alienate everyone down to the fucking equipment manager and still have some pair of man-tits that broke into the stadium pool screaming DUUUUUUVAL as his team loses by two points to the Colts on Thursday Night Football for the 98th time in a row. That one piece of white trash will be the only person still alive in Florida by the end of 2020. His name will be Jarryd. I will not treasure his survival.

Why Your Team Sucks 2021: Jacksonville Jaguars:

If you ever wondered what it would look like if the Capitol Riot happened at an NFL stadium instead of the Capitol, here you go.

Watching the Jaguars is like having your least favorite relative visit. Substance abuse is the only option.

When Urban Meyer is your head coach, your next disgrace is only five minutes away.

This team makes me not want to watch football. They make want to read books to pass the time instead.

The Jaguars exist as a needless tax on greater humanity. They’re like the DEA, or defense contractors, or James Corden. They’re hideously expensive and demonstrably worthless.

Why Your Team Sucks 2022: Jacksonville Jaguars:

Let me try to recap Urban’s first season in Jacksonville, although I’m bound to miss a humiliation or six. He bailed on calling a QB sneak against the Titans because he said his quarterback wasn’t “comfortable” running that play, only to have that same QB immediately tell the press that he was perfectly comfortable with it. He insisted that he was playing players who hadn’t played at all. He benched the team’s best offensive player for fumbling and then had his assistant physically restrain that player from going back onto the field. He called all of his assistant coaches losers, even though A) career records indicate that’s untrue, and B) HE’S THE ONE WHO FUCKING HIRED THEM. He accused his own wideouts of running the wrong routes.

And that’s all of the minor shit. There’s more! The video clip up above was taken less than a full month into the season, when Urban skipped out on the plane ride home from Cincinnati—a game in which Jacksonville racked up a 14-0 lead and still lost—to bump-n-grind, golf-bro style, with a random woman at his own, shitty steakhouse. Urban then skipped out on a team meeting after that video was made public. Did my man resign in the wake of this scandal? Sorry, but only a loser, perhaps one of his quality control assistants, would surrender to the woke mob so meekly. Urban stayed on with the Jaguars, only to get fired a couple of months later after it came out that he had kicked his own kicker:

“It certainly wasn’t as hard as he could’ve done it, but it certainly wasn’t a love tap,” Lambo said. “Truthfully, I’d register it as a five (out of 10). Which in the workplace, I don’t care if it’s football or not, the boss can’t strike an employee. And for a second, I couldn’t believe it actually happened. Pardon my vulgarity, I said, ‘Don’t you ever f–king kick me again!’ And his response was, ‘I’m the head ball coach, I’ll kick you whenever the f–k I want.’”

I will shit out a pristine sushi dinner before I see an NFL head coach destroy his career with such quickness and vigor. But hey, Urban is gone now. Things can’t possibly get worse, even though the 2021 Jags just proved that they always can.

The only cool thing I’ve seen Trevor Lawrence do lately is debunk a rumor that he blew his signing bonus on crypto and frankly, that was the one time I would have preferred that Barstool be right about something.

The nice thing about having the Jaguars around is that all of the other shitty franchises always have a worse team to point to.

Their fans get more excited for school resegregation than they do watching their team upset Buffalo.

In 2014, at a sports bar in Oakland, I asked the bartender if they were going to show the Jags game. She asked me what sport that was. I hesitated for a second, shrugged, and responded, “Football?”

The summer before Covid. My dad and I finally went up to Canton to visit the Hall of Fame. The gift shop there had packs of cards for players from every team except for, you guessed it, the Jags. They had a little presentation about the Hall, and they ended it with some light trivia. If you got a question right they gave you a card of a player from your favorite team. I got one right, shamefully told them I was a Jags fan, and the two people doing it looked at each other and said, “Whoa! I don’t think we’ve ever had a Jags fan here!”

For Shahid Khan, And For Every Other Billionaire, The Money Is The Point:

Imagine staying at a Four Seasons, only it’s in Jacksonville. Money wasted in every direction.

But for every nice gesture Khan has lent toward social progress, there are a thousand cruel gestures he’s made to combat it. He’s short-changed and endangered his own plant workers. He’s poisoned neighborhoods. He hired veteran disgrace collector Urban Meyer as head coach…

Why Your Team Sucks 2023: Jacksonville Jaguars:

You know what I do count, though? Letting Kansas City backup Chad Henne direct a 98-yard TD drive against them in the Divisional Round. Henne was in for that series because the Jags had knocked Patrick Mahomes out of the game in the first half. The Chiefs remained unfazed. Henne extended their lead, and then a one-legged Mahomes came back into the game to finish the job. You guys still aren’t a real team, and never will be.

Finally, North Florida will get what it’s always wanted: Oakleys, but a stadium.

Why the players think you suck: R-A-T-S RATS RATS RATS!

When asked what the number one thing they want changed at their facility, the answer was unanimous – get rid of the rats! Players reported that for 3-4 weeks this season, there was a rat infestation in the locker room and laundry hampers.

I love nothing more to put on a jock and spot Nibbles in the front pocket, chewing away on my love bone. But it gets worse:

Because there is no players’ family room offered, players’ wives have breastfed their babies on the floor of the stadium’s public restrooms.

The way that American voters are responding to Ron DeSantis is the way they’d respond to spending an hour in Jacksonville, a city that answers the question: What if you made an entire metropolitan area out of the most dangerous six-lane road in America, and made sure everyone driving on it was carrying an unlicensed handgun? The whole Jacksonville experience is driving your lifted pickup to some beach where the water looks like chocolate milk and then just sitting in the cab, listening to a radio station that is only commercials. It’s nothing but double wides and hate crimes and failed pro wrestlers as far as the eye can see, and this rat-infested cruise ship of a franchise is precisely what everyone there deserves. They don’t still love their wives. They’re not good people. They … are losers.

As a London based fan of the NFL, what the hell has the UK done to deserve being forced to watch the Jags each year? It’s like making a pen pal and then sending them anthrax in every letter.

The Jaguar statue outside of our stadium has removable fangs because of the sheer number of people who get their heads stuck in the Jaguar’s mouth.

That swimming pool in the stadium is gonna be ground zero for a monkeypox epidemic in North Florida.

I have been a Jags fan since they first came in to the league and have experienced maybe five years of relative happiness.

I react to positivity in this fanbase like Gollum outdoors when it’s partly cloudy: it’s something I had once that has been torn from me after years of abuse and neglect, and only causes me pain and loathing now.

This team can’t be good, or even average. So bring on the 2023 season. Let’s see what horrors it has in store. I’m ready. I can’t be hurt anymore. I am invincible. I am a Jaguars fan.

Why Your Team Sucks 2024: Jacksonville Jaguars:

After getting 1,000 yards and eight TDs out of accidental FanDuel spokesman Calvin Ridley, the Jags let him walk to Tennessee thanks to a contractual fuckup that I truly cannot parse.

A Bet You’ll Always Lose:

… we have a guy doing a triple deuce, more than $300 million in lawsuit claims, bad pub for FanDuel, bad pub for Khan (I mean, beyond his association with the Jaguars)…

Written on October 4, 2024