Drew Magary is one of my favorite writers. He has great lines all the time. Here are my favs:
It’s Decided. I’m Moving To Arica, Chile.:
… if my kids were still three wanted to play peek-a-boo, I wouldn’t say to one of them, “Well actually such a game is foolish, for I’m always here and you’re just a simpleton who lacks object permanence.
Why Your Team Sucks 2021: Jacksonville Jaguars:
The Jaguars exist as a needless tax on greater humanity. They’re like the DEA, or defense contractors, or James Corden. They’re hideously expensive and demonstrably worthless.
For Shahid Khan, And For Every Other Billionaire, The Money Is The Point:
He hired veteran disgrace collector Urban Meyer as head coach.
Let’s Wander Slowly Through The Fields Of Joy
“My foolish capering destroyed more young minds than syphilis and pinball combined.”
Will We Ever Have A Robot President?:
… spring is when I take a break to focus on the draft, grill meat and be horny.
Why Isn’t Mike Tyson As Reviled As Floyd Mayweather?:
You can’t haunt money. Money ain’t scared.
… daydreaming about finally getting into the game, where in I would CRUSH the opposition and thus be rewarded with fine foods and bountiful women.
Raising Siblings: A Guide To How Fucked You Are
…do I go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of my intolerable situation as best I can?
I Bought A Fake Christmas Tree Because I’m Not A Deluded Simpleton:
… it turned into a shockingly divisive issue in the office.
Snackbots, Astrobating, And Magic Condiment Fingers:
Sometimes things get heated and I have to stand up to a charlatan with a spontaneous but devastating career-ending critique like the guy who took out Joe McCarthy at the army communism hearings.
I was eminently functional in between bouts of furious masturbation.
Murder has never felt so effortless.