This week, we look to The Bachelor. I know many of you hate the show. But that doesn’t mean that the people who write about it aren’t hilarious.

On Peter Weber

• It’s like the old saying You: can lead a horse to water, but you can’t teach a horse to not try to have sex with the water.
• I would also be upset if my only options for marriage included a model for Kohl’s coupons, the black widow of Virginia Beach, and a girl wearing a chastity belt made of titanium.
• The entire family was eager to point out that Peter is a sex-having party machine who has no business with a prude buzzkill…
• Only a few find lasting love on The Bachelor(ette); Peter, on the other hand, might be the first finalist or lead to actually lose love from his immediate family members.
• Peter was truly terrible at being the Bachelor, evincing such suspect decision-making that the FAA should consider revoking his pilot’s license.

On Madison, “the good girl”

• Peter, as you may have heard, has had sex before. Many times. He’s actually had sex in a windmill several more times than Madison has had sex anywhere.
• Their family name is Weber—of course they grilled Madison.
• ABC starts rolling the footage from that visit and we get to watch Chris Harrison doing what he does best: being a messy bitch who lives for drama. The gleeful expression on his face as he trespasses on Madison’s front lawn is priceless.
• ABC starts rolling the footage from that visit and we get to watch Chris Harrison doing what he does best being: a messy bitch who lives for drama. The gleeful expression on his face as he trespasses on Madison’s front lawn is priceless.