This week’s post concerns a plan I’ve had in my mind for quite a while. It’s a bit unorthodox, but I am convinced that if I can pull it off, I will be rich and notorious beyond my wildest dreams.
With the advent of democracy throughout the world, there has been increased attention paid to public works. Part of these public works are zoos. As most people know, the more animals a zoo has, the better. The panda has long been a subject of fascination in the U.S. I remember back in the day when the major networks’ nightly newscasts had a panda sex watch for the two pandas in the DC Zoo at the time. I later learned from my pal Chiangstein that the reason these pandas didn’t do the nasty was because the wily Chinese government gave the silly Americans an old male panda and a young female panda. Think Sean Connery and Catherine Zeta-Jones in “Entrapment”. Yeah, I wouldn’t have done it either.
This is where I come in. I propose to outfit a truck as a portable panda habitat. I would spirit pandas away from their homes in southern China, smuggle them into Laos, and then sell them to the highest bidder among the world’s zoos. I’ve already accounted for the fact that I will need panda handlers, a translator, and some seed capital for bribing guards and outfitting the truck.
My girlfriend claims that this is the most foolhardy plan I’ve had since I thought of teaching monkeys how to be jewel thieves (detecting a pattern here?). Anyways, she claims I’ll get raped by the 400 lb. pandas well before getting to Laos. I say she should be happy that I am trying to get us financially secure for the future. What can I say? I’m a dreamer.