People are supposed to love their children unconditionally. But, what if this isn’t the case? I thought about this issue back in college and law school (when I still seriously thought about getting married). I’ve never been one to unconditionally love something or someone. To me, if a person messes up bad enough, that person should be cut out of my life, no matter who they are.

If I was to ever have a child, I would need some cut-off point by which to determine whether this child stays in my life or goes. I’m a busy person, and have no time to deal with drama that doesn’t involve or interest me. The child needs to know that she is out of the family for good, while at the same time having one last hurrah. Enter the family ejection ceremony.

I’m a lawyer, and I believe everyone deserves to have their case heard. So, if a child of mine is in danger of being ejected, then he will have the opportunity to plead his case and show any compelling evidence that he won’t spend the rest of his life getting on my last nerve. If needed, he can have one of his more articulate siblings conduct his defense. I’ll be on the prosecution side, showing why this kid should be out of the family. I will present evidence of impropriety, such as drug abuse, sexual shenanigans, and using my car without permission.

After the hearing, I will have to retire to my chambers and think it over for a few days. Once my decision is made, I will seal it in an envelope and seal it with wax. The family will all gather in the living room. All siblings and my wife will line up. I will give the envelope to the youngest child, and it will be passed down the line before eventually getting back to me. There will have to be suspenseful music playing throughout.

At that point, there are two possible outcomes: The child stays or she is summarily ejected. I am not heartless, though. Any ejected child would receive $500 and a bus ticket out of town.

I think that once a couple of kids get kicked out, and I show myself to be a man of the utmost principle, the other kids will have to fall into line. As it has been proven, fear is a much better training mechanism than coddling. Sure, the kids might be acting bad when they’re out, but that’s what the ejections are for. If it gets too out of control, they’re instantly out. It’s a classic example of sacrificing a few to save the populace.

As an added bonus, I could probably get a TV deal. If ‘Survivor’ is big, think of this. There are real consequences at stake here!