Deep Thoughts, 2022
If you’re really wanting to harken back to the Brock Osweiler era, Sam Darnold can be had for a crusty Playboy and a bottle of Mexican Coke.
You don’t need bourbon tonight! You been drinking that Haterade all day!
I’ve been banned from all sports betting and related activities.
It all started yesterday when I doubled my money on a bet
Wife said that the frequency of my bets was accelerating.
To be fair, I’d gained access to a betting terminal
Like Andrew Luck, I had to walk away while I was still in my prime.
You need to call her up and scream at her. Tell her she’s a piece of shit and that you won’t tolerate this type of behavior from a Tier 2 law school piece of trash
The way I usually got him to shut up is by telling him I would come to his house and beat him in front of his children.
He worships false idols and charlatans. If we were in the time of Moses, he’d be worshipping an iron pyrite calf because real gold is controlled by George Soros.
I told my best friend about some ill advised financial moves that ended up working for me. His response, "I'm just saying, if you're going to be a full-on bro, don't be "invests sports bet money in crypto" bro."
Next time, just Mail me the money you’d bet on the Broncos and I’ll wipe my ass with it
I’ll send the bills back. It’ll be an awkward explanation at the bank, but at least you’ll still have the dough.
The Broncos contract with Russell Wilson continues to look like an elaborate money laundering scheme
Tell her you’ve converted to Islam and are searching for Wife #2. If Republicans have taught us anything, it’s that competition should be encouraged in all arenas of life.
If you had a ditzy 25 year old Russian wife #2, her calculus would be quite different
Lisa would definitely educate Svetlana about her options, and then you’d have two women deeply involved in Democratic politics.
I hadn’t even considered the Sapphic Solution!!
I always come through when a homie is trying to wine, dine and 69 a lady.
This level of competence unsettles me
Get Jeff Luhnow and the trash cans! It’s time to build a winner!
Nathaniel Hackett’s Paul Hackett’s son. Should we have expected more from the loins of the man who oversaw the 3 runs for 5 yards and then punt offense for the Chiefs in the 90s?
He’s Britt Reid without the DUIs.
Hackett was also USC's head coach before Pete Carroll became the Bear Bryant of the West
I could probably find time to crush some Buffalo wings in this, the hour of my grief
A woman who works for me has a friend who went to a Riff Raff concert.
Girl got really drunk and maybe into some other substances
She goes on Riff Raff’s tour bus and wakes up in St. Louis.
Riff Raff took her to eat at an Applebees.
And then the woman had to call her mom in KC to come get her in St. Louis.
I was banned from a friend's house for a few years because of an incident involving his son, who was like 6 at the time.
I was playing basketball with him. As his wife was bringing drinks out for us, I blocked the kid's shot, swatted it down the street and yelled, "DON'T EVER BRING THAT WEAK S**T AROUND HERE!!!" right in his face.
He booted Jack like he was Uncle Phil on Fresh Prince
of course Cal Eldred isn’t vaccinated. He’s old school in every way.
He probably makes butter via a butter churn
Drives to the stadium in a Model T
Thinks black people shouldn’t have all these rights
When I turned 30, I vowed never to never do 2 things again: help people move and pick people up from the airport.
It’s all fun and games until a buff Australian dude says she’s his Sheila now
heed Cube’s words: “That HIV will make your dick hang sideways”
You don’t want kids around when you’re floozy adjacent.
This is your opportunity to assert your dominance. Walk out at 330 while maintaining aggressive eye contact with the most senior person in your path.
I didn’t want to be the one to have to tell them that daddy isn’t hurting mommy
It’s time to make a choice between the past and the future
Who else would marry the real life Clayton Bigsby?
Your skin may be warm to the touch, but you’re as cold as ice.
Wives and children come and go. Your commish will always be there for you.