Deep Thoughts in 2023
My nephew is a huge Jags fan. I gave him a Jags hat last Xmas. I told him on Sunday that if Uncle Muneer's Jags bets don't pay out, I will repo the hat and throw it in the trash. Xmas this year will be very interesting at my in-laws' house.
“Gow took heavy criticism in 2018 for inviting porn actor Nina Hartley to speak at UW-La Crosse”
I like how he abused his power to help do market research for his startup porn business.
I’d be calling up all the true crime podcasters, trying to figure out an airtight way to frame him for an unsolved murder.
I can’t help it if I am one with the machines.
I told my fellow gambler: "You'll wrap up 5 of the Tootsie lollipops from the office kitchen with a note saying. "Sorry Jennifer, but the Packers didn't cover and Gus Edwards rushed for less than 50 yards. Maybe next year..."
It’s all fun and games until a prospective client puts on some Teddy Pendergrass and drops trou.
He out here like, “Yo baby. You got some prom pictures of your daughter? I need to verify your story.
If you’re insisting we go to a super nice place, you’re going to have to put out this year. I’m no gentleman. I have expectations.
This weekend will be the last someone with a deep fryer spends in their current home.
Yes. We’ve entered into an agent/client relationship. He needs help investing his case proceeds. We’re currently setting up a car wash and record label.
I’m scared, intrigued, and horrified. Probably like she feels every time Usama has the look of love in his eye.
His new woman has what Patti Stanger of Millionaire Matchmaker calls “a broken picker”.
There is a secret official Chiefs cocktail called “The Big Buffalo”. Two shots each of Irish Creme, Creme de Menthe, and Wild Turkey, served over ice. Please ensure you have at least 2 of these on Thursday.
In its combination of grossness and self-destruction, it’s symbolically perfect drink for Chiefs fans.
Your team got beat by a guy who studied his mom’s friends’ signals more than the playbook.
That’s the face of a woman who is trying her hardest to hide her husband’s love of dong. We have not seen beardery of this caliber since that lady who Michael Jackson fathered those white kids with.
The barbecue, the people, the penis. What’s not to love?
Mike Lindell is capitalism made sentient.
I will be skinny dipping. Please adjust your children’s plans accordingly.
There was a time my wife said I wasn't doing enough around the house and that she felt that she was carrying the entire load. After the initial emotions had soothed, we agreed to write down every single thing we do around the house. My list was longer than hers. All I said was, "Wow, this is really embarrassing for you..."
One time, my dad was talking to some other "uncles" at a party about how great it was back "home". As they kept talking, the insults of how godless and goodbye the US was started.
After a few minutes of listening to this nonsense, I asked, "If it's so great back home, them why are all of you here?" All the uncles were incensed about my rudeness. I was told to go to my room.
Don't let your parents argue it's so great back home. If it was, then they would have stayed there.
My mom once tried to make me circulate with appetizers at a party she threw. I told her there is no world where I'm going to be a waiter in my own house.
My friend told me that there was a couple, man and woman, in a small town somewhere near McPherson or Wichita who wore matching San Francisco 49ers Starter jackets and rode around town on a motorcycle while smoking. That would be a 10/10 doubles mullet.
A few years ago, I was snacking on a Reese's cup right before dinner at my in-laws' house. My nephew came to me and said, "How come you get to eat chocolate before dinner???" I told him, "When you start paying taxes, then you can also do whatever you want."
If I was Florida State, I'd be trying to frame Mike Norvell for murder.
Back in the day, when I was working at the law firm, I was the one who would go around and try to get a consensus on which restaurant we'd order lunch from.
All people would tell me is what they didn't want. Eventually, I got frustrated and started saying, "You have to tell me what you do want. Stop being part of the problem and become part of the solution!!"
It’s made work much less stressful. I may not have FU money, but I will have F this money.
It’s close to the end of the day. Some of us have sleep problems. You know what could help with that? A slice of chocolate espresso cake with salted caramel butter cream frosting. The sugar should make your system crash at just the right time.
If you’re in the office, do what’s right for you. Have some cake.
Those FDU fans look grimy. Like they’re going to go spit a guest verse on a Wu-Tang freestyle.
I must obey her wishes. This is the devil’s bargain I made when I said “I do.”