Deep Thoughts, 2024
I saw a Reddit video on YouTube where a dude went on a first date. Woman broght a friend and they both order surf and turf and tons of drinks. Then when the check comes, the woman who he'd asked out said it would all be on one check. Man, if a woman did that to me, I’d be like, “You two ever seen each other naked? Well, you about to.”
I was at McCormick and Schmick's once, and was unaware of what mussels were exactly.
My friend's girlfriend loudly announced to the table that no one should order oysters because seeing them being eaten makes her nauseous.
My mussels get to the table, and she begins complaining. I was just like, "Look away!"
She was a bad person for other reasons, so I was happy I was able to cause this small amount of discomfort to her.
The new Oasis tour photo looks like it should be on a poster where soccer hooligans are saying it’s not cool to drink and drive.
I'll be like, "Who disturbs me in the midst of my labors?" when they ping me.
There are a number of innovative strategies involving pharmaceuticals that can help an average person throw off the shackles society puts on us.
I remember once UBK said that I was being unfair to him because I was inferring meanings from what he said. I told him, "If you have a hidden agenda or alternate meaning for the words you say, then it's your fault for being a poor communicator and not mine for being unable to read your mind."
Their command of the English language is either tenuous at best or they all go through life as the main character
When I was a kid in Saudi Arabia, I had a HK teddy bear. It was pink, as you'd expect. One time, we drove to the mountains, and my HK was in the back of the car. When we got to our destination, it was slightly darker than sky blue.
It changed back to its original color after, but I'd always wondered why that happened.
I looked into it about 15 years back, and found there was a toxic paint used in Asia and Africa in the 70s and 80s that was absolutely banned everywhere in the West that had color shifting properties. My teddy bear used this paint.
There is jubilation in liberation.
The US’s B-Girls didn’t make it to any of the finals. Their cardboard and furry Kangol hats need to be confiscated when their plane lands on American soil.
Only a Men’s bronze in Breaking. This is a national disgrace. I want each competitor to be yelled at by Funkmaster Flex and Melle Mel at the airport.
Said this about my friend's kid at summer camp, and my friend says it was an all boys' camp: He looks at his best friend and feels things he hasn’t felt before. He looks in his eyes and says “Nice hog, bro”
It's the performative cruelty the MAGA faithful demand. That's why I say that if a person votes for Trump, then they cannot be classified as a good person.
Back when I was an attorney, people would try to explain what the law on a topic was. I would say, "You know what? You're totally right. I went to law school for 3 years, you've been watching Judge Judy for 20."
There's now a player on the Padres named Bryan Hoeing. Please let his number be 69. If it is, I'm buying my first authentic MLB jersey.
I feel that statement is hard fought wisdom, gained at great personal cost.
I was listening to some R&B, as I'm known to do. One of the singers was Keke Wyatt. I then found out she's had 11 kids. I think this proves that her R&B is the best. All those kids are the evidence.
Back when Trump was rapidly cycling through Cabinet members, Usama didn’t see it as an unstable idiot who didn’t know what he was doing. It was an advanced Human Resources strategy to make sure Trump always had the right people for the right situations.
You can’t argue with someone who’s living in a different reality than you. That’s Trump and his cult.
You know what they say, once you go brown, you can’t put it down.
For me, it was once you go white, it just feels right.
I was thinking. I think there's a difference between "I don't care" and IDGAF.
- IDGAF is about just getting your business handled and not dealing with any BS along the way. You still care, but you don't take any setbacks or opposition personally.
- "I don't care" is apathy. At that point, you checked out totally and don't have any interest in how things go.
I'm very IDGAF since I got the mortgage paid, which is the vibe I've always wanted to have.
That’s just one moment in time. Was there breakfast ordered after an unforgettable night of passion?
Hyundai makes the safest cars out there. Can't get into an accident if the car can't leave the garage.
I am ostracized and excluded because I have violated the group norms. I've seen nature documentaries. I know how this plays out.
There are supernatural powers at play here. I don't like this one bit. I'm going to sprinkle holy water on both of you.
After a friend almost hit former Chiefs QB Trent Green on a sidewalk: He got slammed into the turf by Reggie White, Ray Lewis, and Dwight Freeney. He can handle a little tap from your foreign car.
Please purchase a Rambo style bandolier. This is a turning point in your 2nd Amendment journey.
On JD Vance and the couch: Just look at him. Even the couch would have tried to #MeToo him. Sending SOS messages to the address on the manufacturer tag.
You telling him, “MY WORD! I can’t have a strumpet’s breasts smudging my monocle!”
I'm too impressionable for this type of content. The evangelicals warned me about the dangers of a godless world.
I had a hernia in 2004. Well the repair was in 04. I’d had it for a few years before that.
It didn’t, actually. I got a physical and the doctor was like, “You need to get that fixed”.
I bought into the big cojones propaganda.
In S1 of Jersey Shore, Angelina threatens the Situation by saying, "Yo, I will cut your hair while you're sleeping."
I began saying this to everyone as my standard threat/promise to them. I once said it to my friend's daughter, who is black. That was seen as "insensitive" and "crossing the line".
Best line today: They have a recurring Amazon subscription to the audacity!
I told a pal to get me some money from the ATM since she was getting some. When she asked why, I told her it was to make it rain on a co-worker. She asked why. I replied, "Raining money on him and reinforcing that he's an object to be bought and sold will be a nice reminder of his station in this company.
The only movie I recall seeing in 2012 was Les Miserables. I still maintain that if inmates were forced to sit in a room and watch the song where Anne Hathaway shaves her head on a loop, it would be a violation of the Geneva Convention.
Come on. Who you tellin? You know I've been checking mugshawtys for all the fine, law breakin' hunnies for a while now.
The CEO of my former employer had a lot of fake woke energy. He would send out these email essays right around Juneteenth, but be sure to sneak in stuff like "All lives matter".
After I left, I'd email my pals on Juneteenth and ask if they'd lived by Edward X's principles over the past year.
Unless he was also romantically involved with the dog... But at that point, we have much deeper issues to deal with.
Once, I hadn't talked to a pal for the entire day, so I IM'd her, "Why have we become estranged?" Popped up right in the middle of a presentation. The others on the call were like, "That's an odd thing to say." She said it was from me and everyone was like, "Ah. Now it makes sense."
Back in the day, I was setting off fireworks with a pal. I was probably 13 or so.
Cop gets there and asks where my parents are, so I told them this white kid was my brother. Cop looked at me sideways and I act all indignant and say, "And why wouldn't he be my brother?? Why officer??"
I thought that dude was going to poop his pants right there.
I have to admit something shameful from my past. In 2001, I attempted to switch my fandom to the A's.
It was a different time. Billy Beane was fleecing the Royals over and over. All of our best players were in Oakland. I was living in the Bay Area that summer and going to games at the Coliseum. Unlike Odysseus, I succumbed to the siren song.
It didn't take obviously, but it still haunts me.
My destiny as an attorney was to become a corrupt judge nicknamed Judge Bread.
[Shota Imanaga]'s out here, throwing that gyro ball, confounding the gaijin with his mysterious Eastern ways.
Just read something that described some people as hot stoves. Every time you try to interact with them, you get burned. I'd never heard that, but makes a lot of sense.
I was out in the mix, helping my pals romance women who are probably school board Karens now and dancing at the grimiest clubs in Lawrence. I should be called coffee because I grind so fine.
"He's unknowledgeable, defensive and belligerent. That's a lethal mix of bad personality traits."
When Michaelangelo is painting, you don’t leave the studio.
I stopped watching Lost in the middle of Season 4, but then decided I'd watch the finale. I began reading the episode recaps, and became angrier and angrier as I went on. In the end, I decided it wouldn't be good for my mental health and the structural integrity of my TV to watch.
The show runners openly admitted that they had no idea in the beginning what they were writing because they expected to be cancelled.
One day, we were trying to figure out who had brought in some sweet treats and placed them in the break room at work. It was a complicated case. I IM'd a couple of friends: "We must begin a Spanish style inquisition. Please prepare a tub where we can drown witches and fetch me my sceptre."
He is conducting a master class in how to be an unlovable crazy person.
"On god" used to be "on my mama" back in my day. But I would promise anything on my particular mama's life, so I may have made some false promises and assertions.
We need common sense restrictions that allow for activities such as hunting and personal defense. No one needs an AR-15 to hunt or protect themselves.
If the military wants to come for you, they won't be engaging in hand to hand combat. They'll have a tank or drone.
Or some other measures that will render your consumer level weaponry useless.
Humans have to be resilient in the face of adversity.
The following lyric from Big Sean really resonates with me:
"I grew up without a hammock."
While I wish I'd had a hammock, I didn't. So I had to learn how to make it in the world without that support. And I feel like things aren't as tough when you're going through them.
It's only when you have the time to reflect that you can say, "Wow. That wasn't great."
I think both parties are too corrupt to be trusted. When I vote, I'm picking the lesser of 2 evils rather than voting for a party.
We need additional viable parties, and then you'd have to build a coalition government in order to be able to pass legislation. Just look at this border nonsense. If we had a multi-party system, then the extremists get minimized and things get done.
A friend at work just called the White Monster Energy drink the Donald Trump.
My pal was like, "Uh why would she call him that?" I said, "Because he's a white dude and a monster..."
I think that if a person is hyper religious, then they've got dark impulses that they're trying to keep at bay through faith. They need an external control on their behavior because they don't feel like they can totally control themselves. These folks then think the whole world is just like them, and thus they try to pass all types of oppressive legislation because they think you and I are just like them.
Like Usama was really anti LGBTQ, even though his dad is gay. He wouldn't let his daughters hang out alone with his dad because then they might become gay too. But, all of us in the friend group have a suspicion that he wants to be with a dude but can't bring himself to do it. UBK is also very Catholic. So he has to use god to control himself.
Back in the day, my pal Steve was driving through downtown at night. He saw a billboard whose lights were partially broken.
What he did see were the words "Dinner with Hos for Father's Day." Had the billboard been lit properly, he would have seen it was a dinner with Eric Hosmer.
Instead, he thought it was a dinner with ho's.
Man, you need to take your own tent over there. Set it up like a Bedouin king. Lined with the finest furs, manservants and wenches. Go all out and capture some of the other children and have them bring out each dinner course.
Send over your vizier with the Royal assent for s’mores time.
It's the root of all the Trumpism. Insecure white dudes unhappy about their fading relevance in society.
Back in 2008, after Obama was elected, people started saying that a Republican may never get elected again. I'd always say that South Africa lived under the control of less than 10% of the population for 100 years. The group that controls a country will never give up power without a fight.
Please uphold the traditions of our brothers and sisters who insisted on partying together over July 4 in 2020.
He probably wants to go see Thunder Down Under wearing a fake nose and sunglasses.
He’ll be cuddling with a buff Aussie named Shane and claim that they were having a Bible study.
Now I'm out like $5 from these various errors. And I only have a bet on VCU for their game tonight. I don't know why I operated with such hubris, thinking I could do it all. I am not a woman of the 80's.
I was watching an Instagram reel of some Bama sorority girls doing a choreographed dance where they were showing off their formal outfits.
Someone commented, “I’d let the second one ruin my life.”
Easiest way to be excused from jury duty:
When you pull up at the courthouse, park at the 15 min meter, and pay.
Go into the courtroom where jury selection is being done, identify at least one of the lawyers, and say, "Black Lives Matter".
You'll be excused and ready to go with 7 minutes left on the meter.
Usama also convinced me that I should preach to strippers instead of paying them for lap dances. I am just a vessel for the Lord’s work.
Work would have to stake me out like an insurance adjuster trying to find a cop who faked an injury to get permanent disability.
I remember reading an investigative series that won a Pulitzer Prize about New Jersey police faking disabilities to get insurance and pension payments. They were golfing, doing home repairs, para gliding.
I know it was meant to make people mad, but I was like, “Sign me up for the academy.”
After years of framing minorities and planting evidence, they just wanted to live their best lives.
Big dogs eat in March!
Next phase of this: CPS agents storm the stage at the Outhouse and confiscate the tips from a dancer whose baby daddy got primary custody.
Just tell her something even more unhinged, like Alex Jones didn’t get custody of his kids because he also fathered kids with a horse. His centaur children pose too much danger to his human children.
There's a hilarious moment in the Hulu show "Ramy" where the dad is listening to various popular songs and telling his wife what he thinks the hidden meanings are. Some Megan starts bumping and he says "Megan the Horse is very wise. Perhaps the wisest."
Don’t be like another noted Catholic who is now shacked up with an extra from the Handmaid’s Tale.
Jennifer’s daughter in law will be like, Why did Uncle Jack just give me a hotel room key?
Who is LL Cool J and why did he tell me he licks his lips just like him?
Why did he wink when he said lips?
Niners can’t win with a porn star dating QB or with a guy who’s probably related to Mike Pence. There’s nothing they can do.
[MAGAs] are the modern day equivalent of the idolaters who were worshipping the Golden Calf.
Look at them. These people literally worship Trump. If he's not a Golden Calf, I don't know what is
Please go to them and tell them they are worshipping false idols and have moved away from their faith.
I’ll be like, “Hello, friend of the defense here. For the record, can you please state your whereabouts on January 6, 2021?”