Tanier had to come back to dress down the Dolphins.

Why Your Team Sucks 2025: Miami Dolphins:

The podcast intelligentsia has since soured on McDaniel, perhaps because we have all become a little wary of guys who look and sound like mushroom tea-swilling DOGE functionaries likely to give away the nuclear codes when bragging to Tinder dates.

Tagovailoa has suffered four documented concussions, which should make us all extremely angry at the people who keep putting him in harm’s way. Unfortunately, the most misguided of those people is Tua himself, who rushes back from injuries as if he has burnt all of his sick days and navigates the pocket like a self-driving taxi trying to merge onto the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway during a rush-hour thunderstorm.

In a ham-handed attempt to transition away from Tagovailoa, the Dolphins signed the legendary Mormon Milfhunter. QB Zach Wilson spent his first three seasons marinating in Jets putrescence—one of them as Aaron Rodgers’s dork apprentice—but is now fully rehabilitated after hiding behind Bo Nix for a year on the Broncos' bench. Wilson is trying to reinvent himself by following Sam Darnold’s career path.

Ross the Boss is an 85-year-old real-estate vampire who spent the 2010s selling minority shares in the organization to Wimbledon and Latin Grammy winners in a sweaty attempt to appear culturally relevant and non-racist. Ross recently abandoned both pretenses and sold 10 percent of the team to a private-equity parasite called Ares Management. If comic books have taught us anything, it’s that you should never do business with shady multinational conglomerates that are literally named after the Greek God of War. But then, you probably shouldn’t do business with octogenarian Florida real-estate ghouls, either.

Why are you rooting for a loser team in the most fascist city in the most fascist state? That's stupid. Only I am allowed to be this stupid.