The Onion with another classic.

Oprah Pursues Dr. Phil On Ship Through Arctic:

“He was tall and impossibly hideous, with a mustache that made my blood run cold,” said Walton, who shuddered visibly as he described Dr. Phil’s gruesome visage. “His voice, too. I’ll never forget it. He kept moaning about out-of-control teens stealing pills and cutting class. It wasn’t human.”

Sketches in her possession revealed that she had reanimated Dr. Phil after exhuming the freshly buried remains of a deceased cutthroat and scoundrel, which she then combined with the rotting organs of a door-to-door Amway salesman, several telemarketers, and a disbarred attorney.

“What beast have I unleashed upon the world?” said Winfrey, who seemed hardly to notice the icicles forming on her eyelashes as she paced back and forth on the deck of the ship.

“Oh my dear Stedman, how I weep for thee,” said Winfrey, crying out in anguish as she recalled how she had looked up from the spot where she discovered her longtime partner’s limp body and seen a cackling Dr. Phil perched on the window sill. “I fired my pistol, but it was too late—the fiend leapt from the window and dove into the lake.”

“By the power of my 19 Daytime Emmy Awards, I shall vanquish you, wretch!” Winfrey added.

When Winfrey’s condition forced her to take to her bed, she entered a state of delirium, alternately shivering in silence and cursing Dr. Phil’s name at the top of her lungs. She was overheard vowing to hack through every last iceberg herself should it prove necessary to wipe him forever from the face of the earth.

“Promise me that if I perish, you shall pursue the creature yourself,” said Winfrey, peering up at the ship captain from her bundle of furs in one of her last lucid moments. “This year, my favorite thing is vengeance.”

At press time, Walton had reportedly discovered Dr. Phil hunched over Winfrey’s lifeless body, weeping.