Patriots And Broncos Stink On Ice:

Denver quarterback Jarrett Stidham, thrust into action by Bo Nix's season-ending ankle injury last weekend, connected on a deep ball on Denver's second drive, setting up a Broncos touchdown and creating the fleeting, illusory, tragic, and extremely unfair hope that he might have the ability to differentiate between a hornet's nest and his own butthole.

Perhaps it only seemed this way, but I would swear that Denver never completed another pass in the game, nor gained any yards, and in fact emerged from the tunnel after halftime nude, eyeless, and drenched in blood, and ran around howling "liberate tutemet ex inferis" in inhuman screeching voices.

The second half was snowy. Normally this is great fun, in particular when good, competent offenses have to work their stuff at half-speed, in wind, while slipping all over. These offenses were already slipping all over, due to being horrible, which somewhat spoiled the effect.

Sam Darnold Is An Exorcist:

Of course, the mudslide-in-a-suit blamed his decision not to attend the Super Bowl on a long flight and the presence of Bad Bunny and Green Day, which in and of itself should earn the aforementioned musical acts and whoever invented time zones Congressional Medals of Honor.

But whatever happens in that game, Sunday's other news guarantees that we will be able to enjoy a national holiday without Donald Trump appearing onscreen to remind us why we're all trying to figure out how to get Belgian citizenship. In short, this was a great day for Sam Darnold and the rest of the Seahawks, but also for Bad Bunny and the members of Green Day and all of us, too.