I feel like the people in my life cannot comprehend what it’s like to “meet yourself” for the first time at 29 years old. Like - getting my ADHD diagnosis & recognizing that many of my debilitating traits also align with autism (seeking assessment, not diagnosed) is changing my entire life. It’s not just about having a name for it - it feels like someone (finally) gave me the answers I need to actually live my life.
I HUGELY downplayed how debilitating my symptoms have been by modifying my life to make it look like these don’t exist -
Like I literally built my whole identity around my coping modifications so people couldn’t separate them, Because I couldn’t find an explanation for why I was different, so I had to find a way to hide it as deeply as possible. I do share values and authentic expressions with the modifications, but not completely. ⬇️
It was enough that I didn’t feel like a complete imposter, but not authentic to me in that I was literally using coping mechanisms as an identity/persona. And we aren’t our coping mechanisms. So much got repressed/neglected to make that work. And so much shame and self-abuse went into maintaining the image. Growing up, ND people were hugely stigmatized and to protect myself from the pain of being different I felt I HAD to deny any differences - so I had to resist looking at this as an option.
I’m glad I stopped though (it was actually people sharing threads like this one ⬆️ that helped me open up to my doctor for a second evaluation - because I just did not trust my first one.) Because for all of these years I just did NOT know how to human - and no one around me can understand what that feels like - to live like that, especially for a prolonged time. It led me to substance abuse, self-harm, ideation, and many very harmful and nearly irreversible choices.
Because it is literally MADDENING to be a human and not know how to “be a human.” So you’re just acting all the time and desperately trying to get your needs met with this really unnatural behavior. But you don’t know what your needs even ARE because they’re not the same as other people’s - as was made obvious by my repeated attempt to fulfill common “needs” for myself and it didn’t make even a drop of a difference for me. And now - with a diagnosis and a possible explanation for the rest -
For the first time in
nearly thirty years «< I have answers to questions I’ve been asking since I can remember. And I have vocabulary I can research that plain-as-day describes what I’m going through, how that contrasts to a “typical” experience, and ways to actually thrive with these differences. Like - not only do I have potential, I have a pathway for fulfilling it. I can feel normal in my body and mind (understanding, accepting, working with vs against.)
And it is absolutely life changing. And there’s so much grief with it, too. And no one in my immediate world has any understanding of how damaging this dynamic was, or how it has literally saved my life to have these answers. Even if the assessment turns up that I do not have autism, understanding the traits and how to address them is just. I feel like I awoke from hell. Literally. And was born into a life of understanding and potential and existing as I am.
It’s HUGE. And I’m posting because yall are why I stepped out and said something, so maybe yall will get it… Or maybe Threads will bury this but at least it’s out of my brain. :)
And when I say life saving - every day for at least the past 15+ years, I’ve known I was going to eventually give up on life. Eventually, it wouldn’t be worth it. Or worse, I’d live to 80+ and feel like that for 65+ years. Literal hell. But I knew it wasn’t “just depression” - the depression was an emotional reaction to the underlying issues that kept getting explained away as “anxiety,” “depression,” “fibromyalgia,” etc. Finding the answer has completely erased this feeling. Completely. 😭❤️
Written on September 29, 2024