Kind sirs, please abstain from having sex with my roommate:
After all, what man in his right mind would willingly take on a roommate that he was sexually attracted to? Such an unholy union of hormones and personal finance decisions could lead only to disaster.
I beg of you, please refrain from having sex with her. My sexual fantasy has only just begun a few hours ago, and I fear that I shall never recover it should it become permanently attached to the sounds and mental images of my luscious roommate being tag-teamed by your ugly drunken bodies.
UT Girls Not Brave Enough for Secluded Campus Encounters:
I went home that night with a seemingly permanent erection and masturbated in frustration and anger against God.
An open letter to the men who post in Casual Encounters. (Tips!):
-DON’T post pictures of yourself with former sex partners/girlfriends. No one wants to see who their fuck buddy has fucked before. Especially the same pic I keep seeing of some dude with his stain-maker between a chubby woman’s pale, blue-vein-plagued cow titties, with the weird invisible colored nipples on the very south end of the utters.
-Choose your headlines better. Here are two examples that pop up often:
- “Young hot cum sluts with big tits that love hot loads in their throats ONLY!” Dude, you watch too many pornos. Real life is not like that. Your porn lingo is not hot. I’m sorry that when you were a kid, your mom’s boyfriend of the week exposed you to porn at such an early age; that truly is a form of child abuse.
Observations on sex from a single woman:
1) Condoms are a must… wear it and shut the fuck up about it. I haven’t had sex without one in over 10 years and I deal with it, so can you. Your shit is just not great enough for me to even consider having that kind of trust with you, especially the first few times we hook up. I mean, seriously. Yes I know it feels better and it’s hard (no pun intended) for you to cum when you’re wearing one. That just means you’re not working hard enough for the orgasm… you’re lazy. Get in there and work it out, dammit. Others have been successful and so can you. Which leads me to #2…
2) You put a condom on and your shit just goes limp. You have a hot-ass girl wanting your dick inside her… you see her there laying in front of you, looking at you with “that look,” and you can’t get hard? Again, put some heart into it. You inevitably say, “I hate these things.” I don’t care. Stop thinking about the fucking condom and make it work. Seriously.
3) You’re in the zone, working it out… good shit. But I say, “Hold on, can I get some KY real quick?” Stop getting pissed off and/or offended… You say, “How come you’re not wet?” Um, I am, or I was, but after a good amount of time, rubber dries, which contributes to me drying out, and it fucking hurts. I WANT you to keep fucking me… I just want to get some fucking lube. I have your best interests at heart too, believe me. A little bit of lube never hurt anybody.
Take advantage of my new lowered standards!:
Act now to take full advantage of this poor lighting and a temporary lapse in judgment!
This is the drop in self- respect you’ve been waiting for, so why not pull up a bar stool and tell me about your latest shopping excursion? For a limited time, I will even pretend I find this subject matter positively riveting!
I’ve got a surplus of romantic disappointments, so all remaining shreds of dignity must go!
How much would you give for this unique opportunity to have such awkward, emotionally deficient, anonymous sex with me that I’ll begin to regret it as it’s happening?
Rants and Confessions from a Denver Escort:
Why are clients SO damn concerned with ‘making me cum’? The fact that they say they are only there to please me really really annoys the shit out of me. They are there to masturbate into me, and this is VERY different, ladies and gentlemen, from making love with your significant other. So guy’s please who the fuck are you kidding? We are emotional creatures, and just a little more complicated then just you plugging away at us and expecting for us to ‘cum’.
And I quote again “ I’m married…..is that ok?” Why would it matter fuckstick? It’s preferred. It hopefully means you have a life and will leave me the fuck alone after the session. Plus, how insulting is that question. As if I escort to find meaningful relationships with trustworthy men. Note to every dumb shit out there….I am not looking for single men to date, better if you are involved.
I HATE HATE HATE men which big lizard size dicks. You could say I have a smaller vagina, or even a short canal. But I have been split before while you ram away and it puts me out of work for at least a week. Your blacklisted you fuck heads, I don’t like to be gutted or feel like my insides are bruising while you pound away with that meaty cock of yours. I hate you. If you came in 2 minutes, I think I would be fine….BUT noooo your stupid ass must have taken viagara so you could ‘last’ the ENTIRE goddamn time. Listen asshole, no one fucks the ENTIRE time. It’s not normal. If they did my pussy would fucking fall off….all you big guys out there..you only get 2 minutes before I become hostile. How about if I beat your dick off lubeless with a piece of sandpaper for 60minutes…how would you like that? Fuck you guys.
On a happy end note…I DO have to give some credit to the normal guys. The married ones who are stuck in a marriage and are very attractive and could literally get any younger female they wanted, but stay for the kids. Also the non- freaks, losers, ass-face, deformed, hanicapped, overly obese …etc..guys. who have a charming way about them, but decided not to pursue relationships they are not ready to commit to. I salute and respect you. Because you and I both know you can get an attractive girl, who is unsuspecting and sweet and thinks the best of people, to go home with you after you feed her lies just to get into her pants, and then act as if you care for awhile until the sex gets old then throw her out on her relationship wanting ass. Get smart ladies! Stop sleeping around and not using condoms half the time. Fact: My non escort girlfriends hardly ever use condoms…I yell at them. They are so slack….and I use to be. BUT I have learned, Men go after what you want. I understand my relationship to you is a client, provider on and there are no gray lines. That is what you are there for, and so am I. You, fantasy porn-star sex…me-benjamin franklins…and it works out.
There was a moment that morning at the boy’s house where I felt so horribly misunderstood. I was stunned. He quickly retracted the statement, but it had me caught up in such a conundrum, one I was already concerned over, that it still stuck, in the back of my head. I stored it away for further contemplation at a later time.
My life continues on these patterns, finding myself in impossible places at impossible times, forgetting what I had intended to do, or how I had gotten there in the first place, easily distracted, one minute, finding my hands down his pants and it’s all good, to waking up and feeling horribly cheap and misunderstood and most of all- dumb.
I hate smelling like sex out in public. It’s simply not as glamorous as you’d like it to be.
Why I gave you that excellent blow job last year - w4m:
he reason I gave you that excellent blow job is because I have a vivid memory. When I realized that the situation wasn’t redeemable from my point of view physically, I figured I might as well bring the evening to a “happy ending” by taking a drive down memory lane. So, I closed my eyes, and re-lived, blow by blow (hehe… sorry) that magical night when I met B. (not his real name) and my pussy got so wet from wanting him that I soaked my panties, my skirt, and the couch. The moment when I slipped to my knees and took him in my mouth for the first time. It will live with me forever.
Breakup Lesson # 1 - Don’t fuck with someone who has naked pics of you:
I know we’re both strong willed but kid, you know I always end up with the upper hand in life.
I know Amy has been bugging you for a threesome for years, something tells me she might just be a phone call away.