These are the best posts from Texts From Last Night and My Drunk Texts:
(770): (rec’v)Have you set boundaries with him yet?
(sent) lets see..he talks to me only in innuendos…makes out with me in random places…and his hands basically stay between my legs..and supposedly I am on his “to-do list”…I’ll go with no on this one…
(650): so Mike and I made a deal. we’d do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
(415): What…you let him do that?
(650): It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
(503): Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I’m about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
(360): I’ve been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it’s taking on your vagina.
(781): She said she didn’t have time to shave “there” (617): Then she shouldn’t have had time to order the lobster.
(704): He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don’t care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
(+44): It’s horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
(404): He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
(214): There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I’m in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
(630): I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered ‘dirty girl’ and highfived his seatmate.
(914): We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
(610): There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I’m not safe here.
(516): I wish “capable of destroying an innocent girl’s life” is something I could put on my resume
(510): i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
(518): she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
(480): Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night.
(785): I’m her ex, so unless you’re interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I’m not your guy.
(226): His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
(206): That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
(801): I’m not saying you’re stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking…
(706): My vagina cried when he left. I think she’s about to be at war with my self respect.
(202): DESTROY DICK DECEMBER
THE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
(610): Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
(832): Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man’s head because Honestly I’d do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI’m thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
(1-832): Why are you like this.
(909): Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn’t know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don’t have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt “Sex Stank” in the air, we’re going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
(419): So anyway, I’m just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
(630): Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
(630): How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
(724): I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
(832): HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
(740): I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn’t drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
(407): He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said “miss our sex” Vagina game too strong
(518): I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I’m kicking Monday in the dick.
(626): You slapped my ass and yelled “HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY” in a Schwarzenegger voice
(502): So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
(516): I held the blackjack dealer’s hand and told the old asian woman she was ‘soft to the touch, but cold as ice”
(701): You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend’s penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
(202): She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
(613): There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption “you behave”
(323): Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
(215): So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It’s like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
(610): We’ll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You’ll be helping me move a body. My body
(708): Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
(314): Apparently william has a “couch montage”…an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I’d mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he’s already won
(413): It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
(818): You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
(805): Eh, I’m ok with this, this can work. We’re the best kind of the worst people.
(814): Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote “Keep the mess in her mouth bro”, I did so only out of respect
(352): I’d like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
(775): he just flipped me off the bed, said “deal with it”, and came on me.
(850): If he really loved his girlfriend then he’d wear a condom when he fucks me.
(281): Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
(425): No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
(262): He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read “I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage”
(760): I’m pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what “harder” meant.
(281): He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
(918): Did you send adult things?
(281): Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year