These are some hilarious quotes from my pal Steve:
A prophet can find honor anywhere but his own country.
Can someone please start a Police tribute band called “The Authorities?”
Consider opening a landscaping company called “Law’n Order.”
Young MC was right. I need to become a monk and leave this situation.
Would you read the world’s most insightful political/current events magazine if it was named ‘Puerto Rican Buttz,’ due to some arcane licensing agreement?
It’s been about a month since I’ve had to pay for anything at this Panera, thanks to a straight-seeming, frat boy cashier. Once again, my raw, smouldering sexuality produces unpredictable results.
Today’s “wisdom” from daytime tv at the auto shop: “Your lady parts are not as pretty as you think they are.”
Why is there not a Trojan Condoms Safe Sex Bowl on the college bowl game schedule?
Men: if you & your buddy are gonna dress as Maverick & Goose for Halloween, just fuck each other & save us all a bunch of grief.
Quote I hope I get to use in the near future: “Oh, you are so on that things have now become very much like Donkey Kong!”
Why has there never been a horror/comedy movie called, “Grampire?”
Everything by Florence + the Machine sounds like it’s playing over the credits of a movie I didn’t enjoy.
Why has there never been a christmas-themed buddy cop movie called “Violent Night?”
Have passed 2 strip joints & many roadside porno shops, but only a bbq joint has the moxie to advertise “hot, tasty butts” on its billboard.
Just saw a woman at QT with a tattoo of what I would swear was a hot pocket on her shoulder. How do you politely tell someone that they’ve sapped your energy for dealing with people for the day, simply by being present?
There are fewer sights in life sadder than a young woman who, after a year away at college, has returned to the gym with another year of life experience under her belt… And thirty extra pounds hanging over it.
Some student just called me and asked to be transferred to the birth control department. Her words.
So, my new porno name is Nick Dickintio. I expect you to adjust your christmas card list accordingly.
Oh god, this may be the greatest thing I’ve ever heard: ‘‘i already gave enough to haiti, now i wanna buy some cigarettes!’’
If you watch porn backwards, most of it is about guys vacuuming semen off ladies’ faces with their penises.