Kid on a bender
Talking about my pal E eating Hot Cheetos as a kid: E's mom comes home, and there were 3 crushed cans of Pepsi, five bags of Hot Cheetos, and she was taking her second candy cigarette out of the box.
Posts tagged with "stories"
117 posts found
New person
Convo from the work Slack: E: we wanna get to YungMun status - where all you have is maybe car and house emergency stuff and then you just got this idgaf big ballin' attitude. Me: LOLOLOLOLOL. I like...
Cuddling in the morning
I woke up at like 5 as I usually do. Monkey hops up on the bed and won't stop meowing at me. So I got up to go downstairs. The moment I do so, he starts nuzzling my wife and flops over and starts...
Cocoa Trump
Talking to my pal E about recent actions by the Trump administration: E: muneer let's make our own gov't! Me: I would be just as corrupt as Trump. I can't be trusted with power! I'd be out here...
Selling indulgences
Conversation with my pal A when I learned that a really annoying project was cancelled: Me: I have persevered and god has provided. When I hit the Submit button on the Universal Life Church's website...
Bad bet
Before the 2003 NCAA Men's Basketball Championship, I'd bet someone $10 that Syracuse would win. Word got out at the watch party I was attending. A woman, who was a diehard KU fan, came up to me and...
Fried rice syndrome
I’ve decided to gamble with my life. Got some salted fish and chicken fried rice from Hong Kong Star last night and forgot to put the leftovers in the fridge. Still ate it this morning. While trying...
At the flower shop
I once had an argument with my wife on like a Friday morning. I go to the Hyvee flower shop after work, and it's just me and 3 other dudes in line.One of them asks, "All of you in trouble with your...
Siccness
Told my pal who said he couldn't join us because he was sick to listen Season of Da Siccness by Brotha Lynch Hung and that we were all sorry he was sicc.
Stovetop
In college, me and my roommates were looking for stuff to buy that was cheap and would be filling. We happened upon Stovetop stuffing. Once we made it, we immediately went back out and bought enough...
Work, work, work
Dude, when I worked for JPMorgan, I remember reading something that chilled me to my core. The intranet had an article that was something like "A Day in the Life of An Analyst". It was meant to...
Professional painter
When I was living with my parents after law school, I was forced to help with painting a room. It was mostly me sitting there, not being able to do anything because if I wasn't paying full attention,...
Uncle Cecil
I know of a shadowy figure known only as 'Uncle Cecil' through my former barber. Uncle Cecil was selling specially programmed Amazon Fire sticks that could get you access to all the legacy cable...
Yahoo boys
I was in the Dubai airport in 2006, and they had a kiosk with computers for travelers to use. Saw a dude with 5 Yahoo Messenger windows open, video chatting to various women. I admired his hustle and...
Raising tough kids
Discussing how my pal E would raise kids: E: i just feel like we've all become too soft that's all!! Me: E going to see her kid when she gives birth and instead of cuddling the baby, she'll yell at...
Whimsy
I told a pal that I would storm her beach wedding if I wasn't invited. She told me there was no way I'd ever do it. I replied, "Hey, I'm a person with the 2 things needed to make this happen:...
Beach wedding
Talking to my pal E about her ideal wedding: E: oh no it's fine. my mom already will have her own feelings about our wedding, that would be the topper and send her over the edge though and it's...
Guiding the family
I had a former friend who said that he felt that the man needs to guide all the women in the family. And then I was like, "Well then who's guiding them, cuz you ain't a real man."
Ballot measures
Yesterday, in addition to this country proving it's racist and stupid, Missouri passed ballot measure to legalize sports betting and protect abortion rights. I can't help joking in my grief so I told...
Begging
Shortly after I got to the US, a bunch of kids at school said it was Halloween night and that they were so excited to get some candy. My ears perked up and I asked them for more info. They explained...
Reassign the task
Like 8 months after I left my last job, one of my pals sent me a screenshot of some old project that was getting resurrected.
Keto diet
A few years ago, my friend said she was on the keto diet. At lunch that day, I walked into the breakroom and saw her crushing a plate of Aramark ribs. I had to be the one to tell her that the sauce...
Life philosophy
To a friend: Your life is dictated by leisurely pursuits.
Stop hiring idiots
When I first got into the data analysis field. We had an engineer who had built a database and the project leads kept saying "We need to make it idiot proof". The dude got sick of it and yelled,...
Thanking the Raiders fans
When I went to a game in LV last year, I thanked all the Raiders' fans for Josh McDaniels' service in destroying 2 of the 4 organizations in the AFC West. Made the Chiefs' job a lot easier.
Rev
Seeing as I have had a direct line to the lord since pushing the Submit button on the Universal Life Church's website in 2007, I will put in a good word with the big guy.
Braking
While driving home from buying a new car with my wife: It was the gentlest braking she's ever done. It is honestly the first time she's driven that I haven't felt like we were about to hit the...
Inferring meaning
I remember once UBK said that I was being unfair to him because I was inferring meanings from what he said. I told him, "If you have a hidden agenda or alternate meaning for the words you say, then...
Silver linings
One positive bit of news about The Devil: She was seeing a dude for a year. He broke up with her the week of her surgery. I am happy when bad people are sad. Also, my pal who also worked for The...
Juggalo
Any of you ever just stay social media friends with someone because they post all their drama and it's the type of train wreck you can't look away from? Well, this dude Mike had a Juggalo wedding....
Starbucks fan fic
This Starbucks fan fic is such a great story: Actual conversation I had at register: “Hi, welcome to Starbucks! What can I get you, today?” “How much is it to fill a Venti with Espresso?” “I- I’m...
My life
Birth - 7 years old 1981 1983-84 I can't form attachments to places. I don't have a sense of home. --- 7-11 1986 I fell behind on homework in science class. I remember feeling more and more...
Grizzled gangstas
Me and some pals agreed that "The game is fraught with greed, betrayal and duplicitousness at every turn." When my best friend heard about this, he said we sounded like some grizzled gangstas.
Group norms
My friend told me "BFFR,bro" after I said I wouldn't get Netflix. I replied: I am ostracized and excluded because I have violated the group norms. I've seen nature documentaries. I know how this...
Loans
Back in the summer after sophomore year at KU, my friend D said he needed to borrow money for a few days to pay his rent, and I'd have it right back. I stupidly gave him the money and then he...
Setting the mood
She's So High was the beginning of my transition into the outspoken feminist I am today I got the MP3 of that song from Napster and put it on one of the first mix CDs I ever burned. It was my...
Make it rain Pt 2
I told a pal to get me some money from the ATM since she was getting some. When she asked why, I told her it was to make it rain on a co-worker. She asked why. I replied, "Raining money on him and...
Romance
A friend was telling me about a wild group of people she know. One of them named his dog after an ex. As I was getting more info, I said the following: Unless he was also romantically involved with...
Estranged
Once, I hadn't talked to a pal for the entire day, so I IM'd her, "Why have we become estranged?" Popped up right in the middle of a presentation. The others on the call were like, "That's an odd...
The murals
My friend's sister in law refused to let them sell their house in KC after moving to Seattle unless there was a clause in the sales contract preventing the new owners from painting over 2 murals in...
Arranged marriage
Back before I met my white American wife, my parents were allegedly looking for an arranged marriage for me. I said fine because it's not like I was meeting anyone I liked on my own. Then I found out...
Sunday Ticket
My pal had no issues getting NFL Sunday Ticket before getting married. They got married in May or June, and she was beefing about it when renewal time came around in September. I should have given...
The limits of what's tolerable at work
In 2019, I felt forced to work almost 80 hours a week for 8 months to get a new workflow system launched. I had a vacation scheduled in May, and my coworker said she could get the director to make me...
CYA
Background: The situation: A few months later, Tina "left to pursue other opportunities." TJ Maxx also dropped us as a client like 6 months later. I always wondered whether the mailing error was the...
8th Grade
I was bullied mercilessly in 7th grade. When I went home for the summer, I thought about what to do to improve my situation. I figured out the hierarchy of popularity and then went about figuring out...
Inquisition
One day, we were trying to figure out who had brought in some sweet treats and placed them in the break room at work. It was a complicated case. I IM'd a couple of friends: We must begin a Spanish...
Ghost story
I really enjoyed this ghost story from agwitow: It just became second nature to close all the cupboards first thing in the morning (even though they’d been closed the night before). Which was when...
Excel errors
I had 2 different incidents where I messed up some filters in Excel when creating an address file for a mailing. After the second incident, I took a deep look inside and tried to figure out how I...
Hosmer
Back in the day, my pal Steve was driving through downtown at night. He saw a billboard whose lights were partially broken. What he did see were the words "Dinner with Hos for Father's Day." Had the...
Hubris
I got a little overwhelmed with having to do too many things at once, and made a betting mistake. I explained it as follows to a pal: Now I'm out like $5 from these various errors. And I only have a...
Got rubbers?
When I first got to the US and started school, things were a bit rocky. One day, I needed to erase an error I had made on a worksheet. In Commonwealth countries, what we call an eraser here is called...
Free food
I decided to buy lunch for my friends at the office. A pal of mine said she didn't want her allergies to be the reason we went to a specific place. I replied, "If anyone beefs about Cane's, I'll just...
Jags hat
My nephew is a huge Jags fan. I gave him a Jags hat last Xmas. I told him on Sunday that if Uncle Muneer's Jags bets don't pay out, I will repo the hat and throw it in the trash. Xmas this year will...
Abandoning responsibility
I finally put something into words that I hadn't been able to before. My Mom and Dad were able to opt out of their responsibilities as parents for months or even years at a time. Dad did it early in...
House chores
There was a time my wife said I wasn't doing enough around the house and that she felt that she was carrying the entire load. After the initial emotions had soothed, we agreed to write down every...
Mom acting like a child
Back in 2004, I was traveling with my mom to Bangladesh, and we landed in Dubai for a layover. When it was time to take off her shoes and put them through the x-ray machine, my mom started yelling...
Nostalgia
One time, my dad was talking to some other "uncles" at a party about how great it was back "home". As they kept talking, the insults of how godless and goodbye the US was started. After a few minutes...
Waiter
My mom once tried to make me circulate with appetizers at a party she threw. I told her there is no world where I'm going to be a waiter in my own house.
Man stands up to toxic family
AITA For Saying I'll Be Driving Myself And Paying For My Own Room On The Upcoming Family Vacation So I Wont Have To Be A Babysitter? This is an inspiring tale of a man standing up to his toxic...
Indian daughter not taking parents' crap anymore
AITA For Being Upfront And Telling My Parents That I Am Putting Them In A Home This woman is conflicted about telling her toxic South Asian parents they're not going to live with her when they're...
Spoiling my appetite
A few years ago, I was snacking on a Reese's Cup right before dinner at my in-laws' house. My nephew came to me and said, "How come you get to eat chocolate before dinner???" I told him, "When you...
Work errors
Back in late 2014, I made a huge error at work. I was sorting records In Excel and messed up the filtering. It caused mail to go to the wrong addresses, addressed to other clients. Then, in early...
Brown Whale
When I went on a cruise with my in-laws, we had walkie talkies so we could talk to each other and plan what to do each day without having to meet up. I insisted on being called Brown Whale at all...
Accept things as they are
I had to accept that my parents weren't going to change at their age. The question then became whether I wanted to associate with them if they remain the way they were, rather who I'd aspire for them...
Pilot scheme
The pilots at some airline had what was called a non qualified 401k. That's where the company can fund it, but it goes poof if there's a bankruptcy. This airline had just gone bankrupt. Well, the way...
Man gets revenge on former bosses
Revenge Served Cold: Salesperson Climbs Ranks And Takes Down Former Managers Who Dismissed Him Early On This is a very satisfying story of a man who was able to screw over the managers who stole from...
Paying off the house
Paying off my mortgage made work much less stressful. I may not have FU money, but I do have F this money.
Be part of the solution
Back in the day, when I was working at the law firm, I was the one who would go around and try to get a consensus on which restaurant we'd order lunch from. All people would tell me is what they...
Foreclosure
I got a call from a dude whose house was going to get foreclosed on. He had gotten a loan and bought a house. He did not have a job or any discernible source of income at any time during this...
Cattle rustling
A guy from my high school was arrested for cattle rustling in Olathe back in the mid 00's. He had fallen in with some people who were addicted to meth. He wasn't an addict, just not good at life....
Betting ban
I’ve been banned from all sports betting and related activities. It all started yesterday when I doubled my money on a bet Wife said that the frequency of my bets was accelerating. To be fair, I’d...
Be better
I told my best friend about some ill advised financial moves that ended up working for me. His response, "I'm just saying, if you're going to be a full-on bro, don't be "invests sports bet money in...
Opposing counsel
Friend was getting harrassed by a Karen co-counsel. Told him, "You need to call her up and scream at her. Tell her she’s a piece of shit and that you won’t tolerate this type of behavior from a Tier...
Adopt all the kids
I was talking to Usama bin Kevin one time and asked him, "If you're so anti-abortion, then why don't you have 30 kids living at your house?" He replied, "What do you mean???" "You want these kids to...
Schooling the youth
I was banned from a friend's house for a few years because of an incident involving his son, who was like 6 at the time. I was playing sports with him. As his wife was bringing drinks out for us, I...
Competition
Friend's wife wanted to run for elected office, and he didn't want her to. I told him to do the following: Tell her you’ve converted to Islam and are searching for Wife #2. If Republicans have taught...
What's for dinner?
This happened when I was 15. I'm in my 40s now. My NMom was undiagnosed bipolar at the time (she's a terrible person even with that diagnosis. She'd gone back to her home country because her behavior...
Presents
Around 30 years ago, my family moved to the US from overseas. In the country we came from, Mother's Day wasn't celebrated. When we got here, my 2 sisters and I thought it would be nice to get our mom...
Confronting karen
I had to confront a Karen and her family at a restaurant: Karen and her family came in without masks and then asked if the restaurant had masks for them. The manager said no. So the Karen's family...
Benadryl
A co-worker said she'd had too much coffee and felt like bouncing off the walls. I told her, "There's only one thing you can do here. Postmates some Benadryl."
No PTO for you
When I worked for a small company, all the mothers would take tons of time off when school was off or their kids had something going on. The work we did required us to be in the office. So, on the...
Eddie Murray card
Back in 1993, I got this card in a pack. It was worth $75 when I got it. I thought for sure this card would be my retirement fund. I should have sold the card the moment I got it. As the years went...
The Gay Community
Every season I played fantasy sports, I had to have Rudy Gay on my team so I could name it The Gay Community. Why Rudy Gay never created Gay Communities wherever he played is still a mystery to me.
Going back to high school
A conversation I had with my pal, Lora a couple of years ago, when we'd both reached our 40s. Lora: I'd be so much better and popular if I went back to high school now. Muneer: Yeah, but then the...
The agony
I was talking to someone today about analyzing projects that have gone wrong at work. I said, "I love digging through projects and finding out what happened. It's like a puzzle. But the answer...
BBQ business idea
Muneer: Steve and I have decided to embark upon a new business venture that we just realized has been approved by God. We are going to tailgate Covid vaccine lines and sell tasty ribs, sausages and...
The syndicate
In Grade 9, I accidentally became the head of a gambling syndicate at my school. I was a young, fresh faced kid, and found out that you could win money playing blackjack. So in my usual fashion, I...
Using protection
I told my friend that my favorite cologne in college was Drakkar Noir. She told me she's glad to hear I was using birth control.
Donkey nannies
Steve: Donkey nannies are pretty cool. Lisette: I am also too young, small and adorable for journeys. I want a donkey nanny. Muneer: I would place some of those old school saddles on my donkey with...
Finding everyday heroes
I have this co-worker on a team full of people who manufacture idiotic crises that don't actually matter. I was talking to her on Friday and she was talking about how vital she was to the company...
Charlotte nightmare
The time we spent in Punta Cana was amazing. However, American Airlines was horrible during each trip. Our flight going to the DR was supposed to be at 7.30am, Sunday, May 11. On the way back, it was...
Renting people
My pal to me at work today: "How about no one gets to rent a person?"
Paul Pierce
When I was in my freshman year at KU, I was playing sports at the Robinson Center one afternoon. We had the run of the court because of my teammates' scoring prowess and my extremely dirty play and...
Run for the border
I got a call on a Thursday afternoon from [Suzie]. It was a curious call because the address on the intake form was a Canadian address. Prepaid Legal only sold plans to people in the US. Suzie had...
Men Don't Tell
When this movie first came out, my mom recorded it. She and my two sisters then made a habit of watching it together every afternoon (this was in the summer) for the next month or so. I began locking...
Teddy bear
This morning, I saw a man driving a car with a hole in the bumper. Covering this hole was a teddy bear speared on there. I want to follow this man and learn his ways.
Standardized tests
I spent a couple of weeks at one of NCS Pearson's grading warehouses back in 2001. When I got there, it was just as was described in the article: I had a one day orientation and then was given sample...
A conversation between me and my high school English teacher
English teacher: What do you think of as the American Dream? Me: To live in a mansion with Benzes. English Teacher: Your American Dream involves owning a foreign car? Wouldn't an American car be more...
False accusation
When I was a young boy, my family used to go to Bangladesh to visit falling every summer. In 1987, I was accused of stealing some money that had gone missing from my mom's purse. She did everything...
I can't help where i have to park
A man called in to complain about his car being damaged. He was working at a building where people had to pay for parking. So, this man decided to park in a side street to avoid the fees. Man: They...
Emigrating to the Green Isle
A man called in the day after Barack Obama was elected President in 2008. Obama's victory had convinced this man that the U.S. would soon become a "Socilist" haven that would target God fearing...
Just send it to my house
A man called in about evicting his adult stepdaughter from his home. Stepdaughter was originally supposed to stay for two weeks while she found a new job, and then was to get her own apartment. Six...
I need better cell service
A woman called in about the deterioration in her cellphone service. She was a legacy customer of Cellular One, which had recently been acquired by U.S. Cellular. I asked her when her contract was up,...
THe African Diamond Affair
A man called in with an unusual request. He needed me to contact Interpol on his behalf. This man had gotten into touch with some men in the African nation of Benin (I wasn't told how the two parties...
Making money shouldn't be so hard
An elderly woman called in about a website she had "bought". A nice man called her approximately two months earlier and said that for only $10,000, his company would sell her a website that would...
People who tell the truth aren't a protected class
A woman called in about being discriminated against at work because she was African American. She said that her manager was not giving her the same hours as all the other employees. I sent her a...
Send me cash and I'll send you more cash
This woman called in wanting me to contact a lender who had not sent her money from a loan she was promised. The woman had seen a commercial about real estate investing. This commercial directed...
The Party Boy
A man called in about his son's expulsion from the local school district. Dad wanted son to be reinstated at once. It was imperative because the young lad's cheerleading career hung in the balance....
Unfair accusations
A woman called in about the police unfairly targeting her son. The son's phone was found near the scene of an arson; he was currently sitting in jail. Woman: They're always accusing him of stuff! Me:...
There's only one motel in Odessa, TX
One of the first consulations I did at the law firm was a head scratcher. This woman went to Odessa, TX and booked a three night stay at a budget motel. The premises were apparently so unsafe that...
Forgetting my roots
I was once screamed at by a woman outside the Monterey Bay Aquarium for not being proud of my Latino heritage.
Fair And Lovely
I was in Bangladesh back in 2006. I am much lighter skinned than most of the people in that country. While I was there, my 20 year old cousins had several friends over for a birthday party. While we...
Interest
The one thing my parents taught me was exactly how interest works. So, when I got to college in the late 90's, I avoided the credit card company tables like the plague. My friends and dorm mates...
Mr. Belvedere
When Mr. Belvedere first started airing in Saudi Arabia, it enthralled me. (Note: I was 8 at the time.) Here's this English dude who seems like he did alright for himself in England. He moves to...
Bullied at work
Last night, I was being bullied by my co-workers into bringing treats today. I know it was bullying because I watch Oprah and she knows what she's talking about. So, I go to Munchers, and ask them...
The dinner party
[Friend]: We'll bring something nice to eat. I'm not sure what, though. Any suggestions? Muneer: I believe you should bring king prawns simmered in butter and curry powder. [Friend]: But [Other...
My hatred of the French
My friends say that my hatred of the French and France is an overreaction on my part. They say that I was only in the airport, and thus did not get a true picture of the French as a people. To these...