Urban lifestyle has no appeal
In response to this articleproving my city has one of the highest concentrations of fast food in the US: Years ago, I said that the culture and excitement of living in an urban environment no longer...
Posts tagged with "writing"
77 posts found
Not trying to close any pathways to money
Someone said they didn't have Venmo and if I could do Cash App or Zelle: Who you talking to? Of course I got Cash App and Zelle. I don't close off any avenues that deliver money to me. Man, I might...
Corrupting the youth
I'm currently corrupting the intern sitting next to me. I got my man placing bets at work, taking extra cookies from the intern events, all of it! I used to sit next to a window. They then made me...
Weddings are terrible, Pt. 3
I can't find this story anymore, so writing what I remember for posterity. A bride called up her parents and her in-laws and asked her to meet with her the weekend before her wedding. They all show...
2025 MLB Trade Deadline thoughts
Talking to a few folks at work about the MLB trade deadline, I said the following: Draftkings' Fraud Detection Department was the only team that could end the Guardians' dominance in the division....
Expressing myself via my Grizzlies jacket
Back in high school, I decided to get a reversible Vancouver Grizzlies jacket. Each side let the world know what my vibe was. This was the black side, when I needed the ladies to know young YungMun...
I only got colder
As I got older, I only got colder. Each evening, I sit in the dark and listen to 'Love Doesn't Live Here Anymore' by Rose Royce for 20 minutes to return to my core values.
Celebrating with food
Upon hearing that some people at work who have not been pulling their weight on a project were celebrating their success by eating Korean food, I said the following: I will celebrate being liberated...
The crowd at a Trump rally
Lyz Lenz went to a Trump rally in Iowa right after the "Bulging Barbarous Bill" passed. Being a leftist, she may have already been primed to notice people being pieces of crap. They did not...
Powerlessness
My pal was threatening to take away my system access to a work system I used to be an expert in. I said: My powerlessness in this world I once occupied as a colossus has never been so clear.
Coming for your rights
I recently heard the Work (Remix) by ASAP Ferg. When I heard the this bar from French Montana, When they mask up, comin' for your ice When they bare-faced, they comin' for your life I realized that...
Bridging the divide
Written after I sparked a heated debate about Apple Music vs. Spotify, and someone posted a song and links to both services: I appreciate you trying to bridge the gap I created.
Titan
To a friend who said he hadn't played a game and went back to it after a year: You are a titan who forgot the realm he held dominion over.
Police interactions in legal textbooks
I used to laugh when I'd read the recaps in criminal law cases. They make it seem like this is the interaction between cop and criminal. Cop: I say, my good fellow, do you mind if I inspect the trunk...
Not Megan Fox
I was incensed after my pal E said a woman looked like Megan Fox. I looked her up on LinkedIn and she didn't fit the description at all. I told E: This is no Megan Fox!!! This is generic Oklahoma Chi...
Don't commit
My pal said he's going to take the summer to cut loose. I said, "You going to take the summer to become a human Spuds McKenzie. You'll be found at local pools and sandy areas hanging with women in...
Like a Johnny Rockets
I was finally forced to upgrade to Windows 11. It's like going to a Johnny Rockets. Everything is familiar, but unpleasantly different at the same time.
Scouting the Masters
On betting Corey Conners to place top 10 at the Masters, and being told I should be a scout for the PGA Tour: I need to watch the field like a hawk, akin to a vet at the horse track who has developed...
God will clean
My pal E went to a Catholic university. She also stated that while at this university, she had to buy her own toilet paper. I asked her why she couldn't have just snatched some from a cleaning cart....
Caveman
Just saw a guy with a church bumper sticker and a CAVEMAN vanity plate on his truck. Tell me you’ve been arrested for domestic violence without saying it.
Retire for the evening
To a friend at the end of the day: Great minds think alike. I am also going to retire to my parlor to contemplate the day's labors.
Fleeing to the Eastern lands
I had a convo with my pal K, who I thought was Australian, about our options if things get really bad in the US. Me: Hey, at least you and I have other countries to head to if things go really...
Hating on the Chiefs
My pal, who I always accuse of hating on the Chiefs, was sending me messages about how bad the team looked. He also lives in Denver and went to UNC for grad school. So I sent him these replies: I...
Pleasantries
On a former friend: I only exchange pleasantries with pleasant people.
Oprah
Told my pal who's into conspiracy theories who wasn't biting on a conspiracy I was telling her about: You believe Oprah is a real life Thanos, but this is a bridge too far?
Brunch's real purpose
Talking to a pal about groups of women going to brunch: Brunch before everytone's married are strategy sessions on how to lock down dudes. On women's friendships: Women's friendships are exhausting...
New ways to pay
Yesterday, in addition to this country proving it's racist and stupid, Missouri passed ballot measure to legalize sports betting and protect abortion rights. I can't help joking in my grief so I told...
Slabbed cards
After discussing how much graded sports cards could be worth, I told a friend: This has only one ending. I'll be found sleeping on a bench in a bus terminal. I'll be clutching my hobo satchel,...
Insinuate myself into their lives
In response to a person talking about meeting a family that owns a castle she went to in the UK: I will visit them. I wish to insinuate myself into their lives and find any treasures their ancestors...
Aramark Ribs are not keto friendly
A few years ago, my friend said she was on the keto diet. At lunch that day, I walked into the breakroom and saw her crushing a plate of Aramark ribs. I had to be the one to tell her that the sauce...
Fraudulent power
I'm going to get a Richard Hidalgo jersey to celebrate the early 2000s Astros. Like Enron, his power was also fraudulent.
Bookmaking work fights
In response to people proposing a fight in the parking lot beside the office, and being told my bookmaking was not a valid concern: There are gentlemen with mozzarella and garlic on their breath who...
Stop hiring idiots
When I first got into the data analysis field. We had an engineer who had built a database and the project leads kept saying "We need to make it idiot proof". The dude got sick of it and yelled,...
Disturbs my labors
I was joking around with a friend at work about how I should get my own floor at the office. They were moving tons of people to a new building: I'll have reception ring me when someone wants to...
MD-OG
Everyone knows I'm the MD-OG. Nice try!
Baez, Pt. 2
Baez's dark powers can counteract anything the Epstein cabal can come with. Dude has repeatedly gotten the guiltiest people freed. I think he's made a real life deal with the devil Robert Kardashian...
Hard lessons
I said to someone at work who told us about drinking at a work function: I feel that statement is hard fought wisdom, gained at great personal cost.
Karens in the wild
Packs of wild karens can often be found at Applebee's brunch, one of their last remaining natural habitats. There is an underlying aggression amongst the pack as each karen tries to assert dominance...
Hyundai safety
Hyundai makes the safest cars out there. Can't get into an accident if the car can't leave the garage.
Bedouin camp
My friend told us he's going to have to go camping with his son's scout troop. I said he needs to do the following: Man, you need to take your own tent over there. Set it up like a Bedouin king....
IDGAF
After I paid off my house, a friend of mine said I have a IDGAF attitude now. I didn't want it to seem like I didn't care. I just don't have to stress over silly stuff anymore. I told her: I was...
Supernatural
A couple of friends at work were talking about a TV show, and one of them was watching the exact scene the other had started talking about: There are supernatural powers at play here. I don't like...
Reggaetoneros
When the weather turns warm, the hearts of reggaetoneros like me wander to San Juan, Medellin or perhaps Santo Domingo.
2A journey
Told my friend when he was talking about getting a new gun: Please purchase a Rambo style bandolier. This is a turning point in your 2nd Amendment journey.
Recreational bettor
Talking to a friend at work about betting: I am only a recreational bettor now, no different from the average joe at the dog track.
How the Treaty of Versailles created Israel
Humans have been terrible to each other since the dawn of time. It's one of the things we do best. The real villains here are the Western European countries. If they hadn't had WWI, then
Tip of the iceberg
A friend was telling me about a wild group of people she know. One of them named his dog after an ex. As I was getting more info, I said the following: Unless he was also romantically involved with...
Law breakin' hunnies
When my pal told me about mugshawtys on Instagram: Come on. Who you tellin? You know I've been checking mugshawtys for all the fine, law breakin' hunnies for a while now.
Becoming civilized
I was telling a pal about how my wife got me to appreciate musical theater: I was once Tarzan, she transformed me into Lord Greystoke.
Why have we become estranged?
Once, I hadn't talked to a pal for the entire day, so I IM'd her, "Why have we become estranged?" Popped up right in the middle of a presentation. The others on the call were like, "That's an odd...
Delonte West conspiracy theory
My fav weird NBA conspiracy theory is that Lebron left Cleveland the first time because a teammate of his named Delonte West was having an affair with his mom and then actively destroyed Delonte's...
From barbarian to Trojan
Someone told me that they wouldn't set up a user account because I used a bad pun: Looks like I'll have to switch my approach from "barbarian at the gates" to "Trojan horse".
Favorite snack
This has always been my favorite snack. BECAUSE ALL I DO IS HARVEST MY CHEDDAR!
On my mama
"On god" used to be "on my mama" back in my day. But I would promise anything on my particular mama's life, so I may have made some false promises and assertions.
Being too into anything
I think that if a person is hyper religious, then they've got dark impulses that they're trying to keep at bay through faith. They need an external control on their behavior because they don't feel...
Get out of jury duty
Foolproof way to get out of jury duty: 1. Park at the 15 min meter in front of the courthouse 2. Find the prosecutor doing voir dire on the case 3. Look at them and say, "Black Lives Matter". 4....
Real recognize real
Said this to a friend: Real recognize real and you're not too familiar.
Take the wheel
Told a friend this about letting go of control: Look, everyone already allows Jesus to take the wheel. The dark spirits probably have more time to provide focused guidance.
Arbitrary rules
I am in favor of creating and imposing arbitrary rule structures upon friends and loved ones.
Apex mullets
My friend told me that there was a couple, man and woman, in a small town somewhere near McPherson or Wichita who wore matching San Francisco 49ers Starter jackets and rode around town on a...
Do the right thing
I was trying to get people at the office to eat the rest of a cake I'd brought in: It's close to the end of the day. Some of us have sleep problems. You know what could help with that? A slice of...
Urban lifestyle
The excitement of an urban lifestyle no longer has a strong appeal for me.
Thunder Down Under
I told my friend this when he mentioned his wife might go see Thunder Down Under: It’s all fun and games until a buff Australian dude says she’s his Sheila now.
Protect the kids
You don’t want kids around when you’re floozy adjacent.
The internet as we know it
This is a very accurate reflection of my feelings about the Internet at large: This is all exacerbated by the fact that the current state of the Internet and social media essentially renders it an...
My heritage, Pt. 3
My great uncle Mohammad O'Halloran had a stop in Brussels when he was going from India to Ireland. He managed, in the span of 24.5 minutes, to father a boy named Pieter van der Ahmaad. I must travel...
Thoughts on Trump
4 years ago, I woke up at 6am and navigated to Google. Seeing the words "Donald Trump has been elected the 45th President of the United States" made my heart jump and sent me into a stupor. America...
2016 Election Thoughts
Before: After:
Real protection
I'm going to acquire a taxidermied white man to help me avoid unwanted interactions with the police. This led to the following exchange in the Facebook comments: Steve: You realize that literally...
Office Xmas parties
Have fun at your “work is forcing us to hang out, so I drink to loosen up, cheat on my wife in the supply closet, have to get a divorce, now my kids are from a broken home” parties.
Magnum reboot
I'm writing a reboot of Magnum P.I. where Magnum moves to the UK and serves in the House of Commons. It's going to be called Magnum PI, MP.
Tattooed tears
If I went to jail, I'd get a waterfall tattooed on my face. If someone asked about it, I'd say, "The human body cannot produce that many tears." It would make me a boss from Day 1.
My heritage, Pt. 2
He was on the same ship as my other uncle, Muhammad O'Halloran. They had a great enmity and so when Muhammad O'Halloran expressed his intent to get off in Ireland, Muhammad Cobretti jumped ship in...
My heritage, Pt. 1
On this day in 1845, my ancestor Muhammad O'Halloran reached Ireland after fleeing a famine in India. He only had a chance to have a couple of potatoes before the Potato Famine hit. My bloodline has...
Muneerisms
These are some Muneerisms to help you live a better life: Early to bed, early to rise means that the opposite sex doesn't find you attractive. Do unto others as you would pay others to do unto you....
Ascertaining the effect of the G Thang on skill level in hip hop
<p><em>(Author’s note: I am stealing </em><a href="https://href.li/?http://zembla.cementhorizon.com/archives/000656.html" rel="noopener" target="blank"><em>an...
A union story
A pal of mine is an attorney, and was doing a deposition related to a mesothelioma case in Illinois. He asked the witness how long he worked each day. The guy replied, “You want to know how long I...